Pseudo-Celebrity Halloween Costume Roundup 2.0

Merton Sussex, Competitive Eater

When I scribbled out last week's Celebrity Costume Roundup, I did so because it came to my attention that there had been a bumper crop of Hollywood douchebags who had half-assed it on my second-favorite holiday of the year (The first? I've always had a soft spot for Valentine's Day. Yeah, I know. Go fuck yourself).

But then a sharp-eyed, charming, witty and dashingly handsome reader (named...um..."Milton Sussman") sent me a link to another dump file of famous-person Halloween photos. And this batch proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that some people in the public eye may just have learned a lesson or three from all of the wardrobe departments they've been through in their careers.

So, without further ado, here are a few paparazzi snaps that have restored my faith in Tinsel-town's ability to not cock it up come October 31st.

1) Kate Beckinsale and Len Weisman


Kate Beckinsale may have made some questionable choices during her career, but dolling up as a ridiculously spot-on Adam Ant was not one of them. Anachronistic cell phone notwithstanding, Her attention to detail here is pretty remarkable. And her husband, screenwriter Len Weisman, is pulling off a Crow so sucessful he could've doubled for Brandon Lee during the last few scenes they shot after they shot HIM. Impressive.

Score: 9.5/10

2) Gwen Stefani


Gwen took her kids trick-or-treating in this admirably authentic Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl ensemble. To be honest, it's a little TOO authentic, so I'm guessing she has a friend at Disney, which is sort of cheating. But hell...she's rich and famous and she lives in LA. I don't blame her for pulling a string or two if she's got 'em to pull. No matter what, nicely done. Even the laces on the hat are right.

Score: 9/10

3) Rupert Grint


Viddy this horrorshow chelloveck, O my droogies.

Of course, Roop made his bread playing the junior wizard Ron Weasley in the "Harry Potter" flicks, but this delightful getup proves he's got a lot more respect for history than most other young actors. From bowler to suspenders, cutter-cane to lashes, salty smirk to stompy boots o' doom, he's more or less flawless as Alex DeLarge. So much so that I'll bet he didn't get pestered for a single autograph all night. Nothing like sauntering up to the friendly ginger warlock only to find yourself on the receiving end of a bit of the old ultra-violence. Serves you right, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip-oil.

Score: 10/10

4) Eliza Dushku and Rick Fox


I think everyone agrees that vampires have gotten seriously fucking played out the last couple of years. Even so, as much as I'm not a fan of Eliza Dushku, and as much as I never cared enough about the NBA to bother remembering wich team Rick Fox played for, they've nonetheless pulled off a big win here with the "Vampire Bonnie and Clyde" thing. Doubt it? Then just imagine how cool that last shootout would have been if, instead of dying from the reported 50 or more bullet wounds they each received after being ambushed by cops, they had instead risen up from their perforated jalopy, slowly smiled, and then descended upon the posse in order to brutally drain them of every drop of their lifeblood via a series of gapingly-gnawed neck wounds.

Yeah, I thought so.

Score: 8/10

5) Martha Stewart


All right, I'm gonna tip my hand a little bit here, and admit that I have zero clue what the fuck Martha's actually going for with this shaggy monstrosity. Best I can estimate, she's opted to dress as, "Greasy Hairball Retrieved from Clogged Shower Drain." And, as a home-improvement expert, she she has an edge...because she knows that this is precisely what that looks like. So, based on that, she makes the cut for "costume that works," because, um...yeah. I'm actually kind of scared, and more than a little grossed out. Which is kind of the hallmark of any successful Halloween costume, I suppose. Way to go.

Score: 7/10

6) AnnaLynne McCord


Another admission: I had to look up who this person is. Apparently, she's an actress, best "known" for a role on "Nip/Tuck," which I've heard is good, but that I've never seen. Whatever. Unimportant. What IS important is this sweet Black Canary ensemble she's sporting. Big ups for not just going the superhero route, but going for a reasonably OBSCURE superhero. And for more or less pulling it off.

Score: 8.5/10


7) Kellan Lutz


I guess I must be pretty out-of-touch, as this is the second person in a row I've had to Google in order to find out who the fuck they were, exactly. I guess this guy was in that "Twilight" movie, which I have not seen due to the fact that I am not a 13-year-old girl. Nevertheless, he gets a little applause for the Robin gear. But, it's only a little. Reason being - the shoes. Look closely. He's got bottomless rubbery fake-boot overlays that he's wearing over a pair of Chucks. Because, when you're sporting a more-or-less movie-accurate Robin suit, it makes sense to skimp on the footwear.

Score: 7/10

8) Debbie Gibson


Yowza. Remember Debbie Gibson? The '80's teen singer? Apparently, she's still around. And it looks like she's completely ditched the wholesome teenybopper image sometime between posing for "Playboy" and yesterday. Good for her. Better for us. Admittedly, I'm not into skinny chicks, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this shot makes it move just a little.

Yup. I'd fork her.

Score: 9/10

9) Travis Barker


Here, the Blink-182 drummer takes his daughter to collect candy, and he does it dressed up as "Guy Who DIDN'T Die in a Plane Crash." Hell, his shirt even says "Land," which works as both an abstract verb, and as a literal reference to the good ol' terra firma. In fact, "Not Dead Plane Crash Guy" is pretty much a costume he can pull off with ease and style every year from now on. And anyone who gives him so much as a half-ounce of shit for it is automatically an asshole.

Rock on, dude.

Score: 10/10

10) Kim Kardashian


HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS.

Look...I'm usually the very first person to decry the fact that you evidently no longer actually have to be GOOD at anything to be "famous" these days. I'll always give a genuinely talented musician or actor more respect than some vacuous starlet. But when it comes to sex symbols, few rank on the same level with the exquisite specimen that is Ms. Kardashian. Kim's a bigger smokin' hot bombshell than whatever was left of "Fat Man" after it wiped Nagasaki off the map. She's the kind of gal people used to fight wars over in the middle ages. I don't care that she's well-known for nothing. I don't give a rat's posterior that she has no discernible "talent" (beyond what she displayed in her sex tape). When you're THAT traffic-stoppingly hot, it just completely fucking ceases to matter. I'm sorry...as superficial as I'm not, packing herself into what there is of this Princess Jasmine costume was an inspired move...Both due to the fact that she totally has the exotic look to pull it off, and because JESUS CHRIST SHE'S FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY HOT.

Here's another look. You're very welcome.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in a cold shower while imagining Ernest Borgnine putting the wood to Margaret Thatcher. See you in a few hours.

Score: 35DD-26-40/10