The Best and Worst Things

It seems like life can be boiled down to two things…1) The search for awesome stuff and 2) Avoiding shitty stuff. In this DoF Feature, we do the work for you - offering the Best and Worst Things so you don’t have to get off your pathetic ass to live life and figure it out. You. Are. Welcome.

Today, we present The Best and Worst Places to Panhandle!

BEST!

Bottom of Escalator: Looking for spare change? Don’t wanna get a job? Then dress up in some ripped-up clothes and head downtown to a high-rise office building. Plant your derriere near the bottom of an escalator and all those silver-spoon jackasses won’t be able to resist tossing a couple coins in your bucket. They may be able to drive past you on the freeway entrances, but there’s no way they can look at a “less fortunate soul” in slow motion and not chip in.

In Between the First and Second Drive-Through Window at Fast Food Establishment: Only the most miserable douches can order a delicious grease-pit meal, pay for it, then speed past a super-hungry dude with a sign that says “I just wanna get my Eat On”. I mean, they just got 49 cents in change… no reason not to give it to the shameless turd over there.

End of a Gas Station Car Wash: In the same vein as our Bottom of Escalator spot, the End of the Gas Station Car Wash is a real gem. Getting your car washed is generally a wonderful experience… the car is sparkly-clean, you didn’t pay full price a “real” wash at a full-service place, and there’s no toweling off your sled at the end because of the jet-engine drier. Enter: The Panhandler. People drive really slowly to knock out every bead of moisture before the one-minute drier expires. And they’ll be staring at a dirty, poor-ass dude who just wants to eat.

Like a baker who’s fallen into an industrial-sized bread mixer, you’ll be rolling in dough.

Worst:

Exit to Parking Garage: People are already pissed off they paid $15.75 for three hours of parking, so they’re gunning it out of the garage. Not only will their pocketbooks be closed tighter than the Tin Man’s jaw before Dorothy applies lubrication, they might just take pleasure in your dismemberment. Steer clear.

Right Next to a Street Musician: Nothing makes a slightly overweight chick feel worse than seeing an in-shape sweetie wearing the same outfit. In the same way, begging for spare change within earshot of even a semi-talented bongo drummer is enough to make people hold onto their coin. Because that damned drummer or saxophonist is offering a pleasing tune, and you’re offering passers-by an opportunity to lessen their net worth.

Near My House, You Lazy Bastard: If you ask me for money as I leave home in the morning, I will punch you in the neck, ear and mouth. Your injuries will require surgery.

Next Month: Best and Worst of "What I found in your garbage"