Diary Decree: Gender Gamesmanship

The law according to the Diary, as governed after our inevitable world takeover.

WHEREAS, In the event that a woman (henceforth referred to as "Defendant") has a male friend who she has no intention of ever dating or engaging in any sort of sexual activity with (henceforth referred to as "Plaintiff"), she will refrain from performing any or all of the following acts where he is concerned:

1) Forcing him to hold her purse while she shops.

2) Saying, "You're like a brother to me."

3) Crying on his shoulder over her latest separation from an interchangeable, unemployed, abusive alcoholic motorcycle-owner (especially when accompanied by the phrase, "Why can't I find a nice guy like you?").

4) Telling him she "loves" him, and/or trying to make out with him while intoxicated, only to claim no recollection of these actions the next day.

5) Availing herself of his services as an escort to functions, specifying that the pairing is to be taken in the "just as friends" context, and then proceeding to flirt with every penis-owner in the room who is not him.

6) Suddenly beginning to demand an unreasonable amount of his time and attention should he find himself in a fledgling relationship with another female, only to return to the status quo one the meddling destroys the union.

7) Saying, "My mom keeps asking why I don't just date YOU," and then laughing.

8) Bailing on plans at the last second because a viable sexual partner has made himself available.

9) Dating and/or sleeping with every other person in the Plaintiff's social circle.

10) Referring to him as "a nice guy," especially to her single female friends.

Proceeding: In the event that an independently-chosen three (3)-person panel of Plaintiff's friends can supply conclusive evidence that at least four (4) of these guidelines is breached, Defendant shall be found to be in violation.

Counter-Argument: Defendant shall be allowed to call up to two (2) witnesses to rebut the evidence of the Plaintiff's witnesses with evidence of their own, to be presented at day of hearing.

Admissible Evidence: Acceptable exhibits include (but are not limited to): Facebook screenshots, cell phone photographs/video, and voice-mail messages. Hearsay will not be permitted. Exhibits will be considered on a case-by-case basis at discretion of Diary representative.

Punitive Damages: Defendants who are found to be in violation shall be subject to provision of restitution. Convicted Defendants are hereby obligated to provide no less than one (1) session of oral sex unto the victim ("session" to be defined as the length of time necessary to culminate in his climax). In the event that the Defendant is found to be in violation of six (6) or more guidelines, the prescribed remuneration is full, protected vaginal intercourse in a position of the Plaintiff's choosing (also defined as culminating in his climax).

Reasonable Doubt: In the event of proof of LESS than four (4) but more than zero (0) listed measures having been breached, Reasonable Doubt rules are in effect. Under Reasonable Doubt provisions, Plaintiff and Defendant will enter binding arbitration.

Should the Defendant emerge victorious from arbitration, a penalty is levied unto the Plaintiff; namely, the obligation to accompany the Defendant to one (1) event of her choosing. He shall do this without complaint. He will present himself on time and in a hygenic state, smile, dress well, and be cordial. Plaintiff is also required to absorb reasonable financial cost to ensure a pleasant experience. For the purpose of clarification, an "event" is defined as a family function, tasteful but reasonably-priced dinner/film combo (restaurant and film determined at the Defendant's sole discretion) and/or formal to semi-formal gathering (e.g., Prom, Homecoming, friend's wedding, etc.), limousine rental and corsage included.

Should the plaintiff be found for, the prescribed restitution shall be manual stimulation, including lubricant of Plaintiff's choosing, performed topless. And he gets to touch 'em.

Addendum: All penalties are hereby considered null and void if the Plaintiff cries at any time (especially during performance of restitution), or if Plaintiff is a homosexual.