Does ANYONE use MySpace anymore...?

Apparently not. I just took this screenshot about 5 minutes ago:


I guess I don't feel so guilty, anymore.

The WANT Files

Given the pace of progress, it's inevitable: once in awhile, some doohickey comes along that you didn't know existed yesterday, but won't be able to live without tomorrow.

Here's my latest addition to the WANT Files:



This boner-inducing bastard lovechild of a skateboard and a Sherman tank goes by the name of the "DTV Shredder." It's the latest piece of kit from Ben Gulak, the same barely-out-of-his-teens adrenaline junkie with no special training who is also the inventor of The Uno, a motorcycle with one wheel that you control by simply leaning the direction you want to go in.

Yeah...really.
In his recent talk at the always-awesome annual TED conference (where visionary geniuses from all over the world get together and give talks on how the futures of Technology, Entertainment and Design are shaping up), Gulak presented the 'Shredder to an awed audience. Of course, wherever he goes with his toys, people want to know how a kid of such modest age and no engineering degree is able to not just think outside the box, but set the box on fire, stomp out the ashes of the box, and then build a new box that somehow has eight sides and gets 300 miles per gallon on recycled french fry oil. And, as Gulak describes it, he simply spent much of his life in his dad's garage, making projects like "model trains, rockets and other cool stuff."

Uh-huh.

Regardless of how he comes BY his know-how, kid's motor vehicle designs are innovative, ground-breaking, exciting, desirable, awesome, and you will never, ever, EVER see any of them available for sale. Nope. Oh, there's certainly a market for Segways on steroids...it's just that the lawsuits from the horrific, debilitating injuries people would sustain on these contraptions would bankrupt him in a matter of weeks. Even though his vehicles are no more dangerous than your average crotch rocket (which is, in essence, basically a 7-oz. fiberglass frame with a jet engine stuck to it), you just KNOW that the douchebags most prone to buying these things would ride them like their assholes were on fire.

Um...that is, except for ME, of course. I'm all responsible and shit.

You can trust ME.

As for the rest of you...better get busy out in the garage. Hell, if an 18-year-old kid can build a single-wheeled motorcycle, I'd expect YOUR sorry ass ought to be able to at least build a flying car that runs on urine, blows you while you drive it, and has hood-mounted candy guns.

Hot Sh!t: Aloe Blacc's "I Need a Dollar"

Very rarely does Reno hear a song and immediately run to the computer to find it. As he was sitting on his gloriously shaped ass, fitting nicely into his well executed ass grooves, Aloe Blacc's "I Need a Dollar" came on during the opening credits to the new HBO comedy "How to Make it in America." The show...basically a reverse Entourage exchanging LA for NY and Show Business for Fashion Business...but thats not what i'm here to share with you dickjerks. No.

Its this piece of musical brilliance, bestowed to us by none other than Reno's favorite record label, Stones Throw. Bravo fellas. Bravo.

Style Watch! Who Wore It Better?

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Breaking News: More Horror Hits Haiti

Your Headlines for Monday, February 15th, 2010

Health
Michelle Obama unveils the "Let's Move" campaign against childhood obesity; Hostess® prepares counter-strike

Nation

Pilot finally admits kicking Kevin Smith off flight had nothing to do with weight, and everything to do with Jersey Girls

Society

New "Computer Engineer" Barbie® reflects "promising new age of female aspiration", male pornographic fantasy

This Day in History

1989
The Soviet Union announced that the last of its troops had left Afghanistan after a fruitless, financially devastating and psychologically damaging 9-year occupation that would ultimately play a part in the superpower's demise several years later and serve as a lesson to would-be occupiers that even with sophisticated weaponry, superior training and billions and billions of dollars, military victory against an impassioned enemy practicing guerrilla warfare in rugged, mountainous, nearly uninhabitable terrain is virtually imposs- what? What is it? I'm kinda busy here…

Uh-huh…
…
…

Really?? We are?
…
…

Well now how long has this been going on?
…

Almost NINE YEARS?! Motherffffffucker. *facepalm*

Today's Celebrity Birthday

Jane Seymour, actress ("Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"), turns 59. While not the prolific boner producer she was in her prime, she definitely makes the most convincing argument yet for the viability of a Maxim for Seniors spin-off publication.

Limerick Movie Reviews: This Week's Box Office Top 5

"Dear John"

"The Notebook" was schmaltzy and sappy,
But made lots of lady-types happy.
And this horrid blighter
Is from the same writer.
So if you're a fellow? It's crappy.

"Avatar"

A planet so verdant and green,
Is raped by the merchant marine.
But when they attack,
The natives fight back.
But THIS one, you've already seen.

"From Paris With Love"

A terror conspiracy sprawled
Across all of France has appalled
Our own F.B.I.
So they sent a guy.
Travolta, all pudgy and bald.

"Edge of Darkness"

When playing the role of a critic,
To say that Mel Gibson's arthritic
Is easy to gather.
And so I would rather
Remind you: He's anti-Semitic.

"The Tooth Fairy"

It seems every star who does action
At some point will have an attraction
To kid-friendly fare.
But why? It's so SQUARE.
And never brings much satisfaction.

Friday Funk: Classic Nuts Edition.

Psycho Les and JuJu. They join forces to become… The Beatnuts! And any discussion on the greatest beat-makers of all time means nothing without 'em. Know dat.

Sounds good without J. Lo and Jada pooping all over it, doesn't it?

Anyway, here's to a well-spent weekend… and, as always, keep it funky, Fools!

Today in Blasphemy News

Well, this is amusing. Apparently, some of the more enterprising drug-smugglers that the south-of-the-border-order has to offer have developed a new method of transporting their wares to the eager, and often trembling hands of their loyal customer base.

Sure...coming up with new and creative ways to cart the dope into the good ol' U.S. of A. is an ongoing thought process, resulting in schedule-A narcotics winding up in some rather inventive places. The endless creativity of the drug trade has given us comedy bits like partitioned-off vehicle gas tanks, taxidermy pieces with street values in the thousands, and condoms full of uncut Colombian candy darting about in some hapless schmuck's digestive tract, all of which are pretty fucking hysterical.

But their newest trick really takes the loaves and fishes. It seems that some clever caballeros were hoping that the DEA and Border Patrol had a sense of sacrilege far stronger than their drive for enforcement. So the mules have started socking away their stashes in ever-holier holes.

Observe:

"Therefore you plant pleasant plants, and set out foreign seedlings." - Isaiah, 17:10

From CNN:

"A marijuana bust along the U.S.-Mexico border revealed 30 pounds of the drug stuffed into framed pictures of Jesus Christ, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency said Wednesday.

'This is not the first time we have seen smugglers attempt to use religious figures and articles of faith to further their criminal enterprise,' said William Molaski, port director of the agency's office in El Paso, Texas, in a statement. 'What some might find offensive or sacrilegious has unfortunately become a standard operating procedure for drug smugglers. This would include using religious symbols, children and senior citizens in their attempts to defeat the CBP inspection process'."

Okay, that's hilarious. Maybe it's just because I've been accused (and, I'll admit, semi-accurately at that) of being an "atheist hipster," but to me? Packing picture frames full of pot and then slapping the big J.C. on the front is just as shameless as it is infused with genius. Who would ever suspect that a wall-worthy portrait of the Yahweh kid would be more crammed full of weed than Bonnaroo? That's like finding porn on the Disney Channel, or cracking open a bunch of Pixy Sticks only to discover heroin inside.

(Come to think of it, I'm not sure that shit in Pixy Stix ISN'T heroin.)

"Go ahead, kid...take it. The first one's free."

And the cojones it takes to assume that they're going to leave your cargo alone just because it's hiding behind a façade of pseudo-righteousness? That's a weapons-grade level of chutzpah. I wish I had access to sack reserves of that magnitude. Especially at the DMV.

More from CNN:

"The bust was one of three marijuana seizures made Tuesday at the El Paso point of entry. Officers said they seized 214 pounds of marijuana in the two other busts."

Jesus CHRIST, that's a lot of pot. Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

AMEN.

This Day in History

1972
McGraw-Hill Publishing Co. and Life magazine canceled plans to publish what turned out to be a fake autobiography of reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes. And though it did prove to be completely fraudulent, all involved agreed the chapter chronicling Howard's epic showdown with Mothra was still puhrrrretty kickass.

1975
Margaret Thatcher became the first woman to head a major party in Britain and the new go-to mental image for men looking to avoid premature ejaculation, replacing long-time favorite Eleanor Roosevelt.

2006
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a quail hunt in Texas. Shooting his buddy in the face would immediately become - and remain - Cheney's least destructive act as Vice President.

Today's Celebrity Birthday
Actor/American Treasure Leslie Nielsen turns 84 today

Man, there's gotta be a way they can digitally replace OJ Simpson in these movies with Jim Brown or something…

"Where's Nordberg?"

"Uhh, he's right here."

Facking classic.

Your Headlines for Thursday February 11th

Tech
Sony announces launch of world's first 3-D Blu-Ray player, to be available this summer.






Entertainment
Adult Movie Actress Tera Patrick to shoot world's first 3-D porno.














Money
Vaseline parent company Unilever's stock up 33 points.

Stoner Confucius Says...

"Great water can continuously move forward without stopping. It is so kind as to irrigate the lands everywhere it goes, yet it does not regard itself as having performed outstanding feats. And yet, the water in my bong has performed the feat of cooling even this harsh ditch-weed to a smokable temperature. Glory be!"

Winnie Cooper - Episode 1

A few years back I was a starving actor where I worked overnights at FedEx Kinko’s in beautiful Burbank, California. The job left a lot to be desired but the upside of sniffing toner all night long was the late night appearance of random B celebrities. During my time there, B-sightings included Alan Thicke, Markie Post, Dennis Haskins and many more.

But one glorious overnight at 1 AM, Kinko’s was graced with the presence of my lifelong crush – Winnie Cooper from TV show The Wonder Years. For the first time in my life I was thankful to be wearing an ink-stained apron to cover up my mancitement. As she headed to the self-service area (no innuendo intended) I excused myself from the customers I was assisting by completely ignoring them and headed straight for my computer.

Like a true creeper, I searched “Winnie Cooper” to see if the world wide web had some inside information on her. You have to be smart with B celebrities known for one thing… they often don’t like talking about that one thing. So I didn’t want my angle to be, “You’re Winnie Cooper!” and then go in for the high five. Any jerk can do that. I wanted her to know that I understood her as a person and that my lifelong infatuation for her was the key to unlock her heart.

In my computer research, I discovered that she had a real name – Danica McKellar. Who knew? A few more clicks on my internet machine informed me that she was a famous mathematician. She graduated with honors from UCLA where she co-authored a proof. Seriously, she’s crazy smart.

With my stalker knowledge firmly in place, I now put out a prayer to the Kinko’s gods for her copy machine to break down. Serendipitously, my prayers were answered as she approached the counter and asked for my assistance before I said “Amen”. There is a God!

My metamorphosis into Fred Savage had begun as my voice cracked, “Y-es… um, YES.” But I got it together and like her knight in shining armor, I saved the day by fixing the jam between areas A and B.

Unquestionably this was a great start, but I had to stay sharp. She mentioned that she needed ink for her printer and as we sauntered to the cartridge area she disclosed that she wasn’t sure of her printer model. This was my opportunity!

I said, “Matching cartridge numbers to printer models… you’d have to be a math major!”

She lit up. There are few moments in life when you know you just made a girl wet and this was one of them. Glowing, she said, “Actually, I was a math major.”

I smiled back and nodded with eyebrows raised as if I was learning something I didn’t find out stalking her.

We proceeded to the checkout counter where she collected a few additional items – manila folders, envelopes, a self-help book and some red vines. As I’m ringing her out (again, no innuendo) I ask her, “I don’t mean to be forward, but are you Danica McKellar?”

She was ecstatic. You could see in her face that every male she encounters born between 1977 and 1983 says, “You’re Winnie Cooper!” and goes for the high five. But I didn’t have my hand up in the air AND I knew her real name.

As far as she knew I could fix any machine on the planet, I could follow it up with a witty Pythagoras reference and I am sensitive to the needs of a woman… in this case, knowing her name. I was in the zone.

After a few riveting moments of idle chitchat and me hoping that she would stay forever – or at least ask for an application to work alongside me – she asked me a question that would fulfill a childhood fantasy, “Would you walk me to my car?”

I obliged as calmly as I could to cover up the fact that this was the best moment of my life and we walked to the car in what seemed like slow motion. This is where I discovered the real power of Winnie Cooper. In true Wonder Years fashion, I could hear my adult voice 30 years in the future talking in my head reflecting back on this moment.

Inner voice that sounds like Daniel Stern:

She was an angel but she looked chilly in the cool valley air. I wished I had Kevin’s Jets jacket to drape over her shoulders, but all I had was that damn corporately issued apron. She was charming as she fiddled for her keys in a clumsy fashion. And as I held her copies and her ink cartridges that probably won’t work in her printer, in the still Burbank night I found the perfect words to say…

“I’ll… see you around.”

Inner voice that sounds like Daniel Stern:

I’ll see you around!? Is this what Namath would say? No, he’d say ‘Suzie, I wanna kiss you!’ Oh my god… I have turned into Kevin Arnold! ‘I’ll see you around’ is exactly what Kevin Arnold would have said.

When she finally stumbled upon her keys, she lifted them out of her purse with a business card and extended an invitation for me to contact her. I smiled and said I would. And in Kevin Arnold fashion I said, “Bye.”

She said, “Bye.”

And I again said, “Bye.”

While the Winnie I remembered from my youth would have pedaled off in her banana seat bike, I didn’t mind this new Winnie who sped off with my heart in a BMW.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Super Cool American Psycho Video: A Rambling, Bile Filled Rant

By Knarf Black XIV
Professional Malcontent

Watch this music video from actor/singer/celebrity lookalike Miles Fisher, who is apparently most famous as "Tom Cruise on Oprah" in the instant cinematic classic, Superhero Movie:

Pretty neat huh? He looks just like Christian Bale! (If Mr. Bale and Mr. Cruise had a creepy baby together.)

I'm not going to blame you for having that reaction (and I certainly won't blame you for going "Huh?" if you haven't seen the movie) as I had it too. A few minutes later, I suddenly realized that this was a huge piece of shit with absolutely no reason to exist.

Don't get me wrong, the technical prowess of those involved is not in question. The video is extremely well produced and the Talking Heads cover is... not as bad as it could be, I guess. Okay, so I have nothing good to say about the pitch corrected butchering of a personal favorite, but my dislike of the song is not my real beef with this particular slice of Internet pie.

My issue is that it lacks a soul, or at least a reason to exist outside of "Hey, that'll get us some YouTube hits!" Is there some kind of biting satire in the juxtaposition of David Bynre's love song to a floor lamp and Mary Harron's adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis? Possibly, but it's certainly not something that didn't already exist in either of the adapted works of art. The point of a mash up (as far as Knarf is concerned) is a dialectical combination of two disparate works in order to create new meaning. American Psycho and 'This Must be the Place (Naive Melody)' create no dialectic energy together because they are thematically similar. The irony of juxtaposing a simple love for 'home' and the hollow existence of Patrick Bateman can already found in the song's subtly downbeat tone and the film's biting satire. Really the only song more obvious and 'on the nose' for this video would have been 'In Every Dream Home a Heartache' by Roxy Music.

Without irony or dialectic frisson, we are left with the viral video equivalent of a Dane Cook "joke." It shows up on stage, references shared experiences so the audience can feel connected to the performer and each other, then flails its arms in a hollow simulation of entertainment.

Oh, good for you.

As Internet culture continues expanding at a geometric rate, I fear that this is its sad future. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with the endless splintering of niches and subcultures; a full ecosystem of memes can spawn incredible post-modern weirdness that the pioneers of Dada couldn't have even begun to imagine. Example: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. The risk is that we will mistake breadth for depth, expansion for evolution.

Sure referencing awesome songs and films will garner your YouTube videos a plethora of hits, but at the cost of further calcification of whatever niche(s) you are representing.

My apologies for the lack of teh funnies in this post. Allow me to make amends:

Butts.