Nut-Punch of the Week, April 28th-May 2nd, 2008

By Merton Sussex, Presumptive Curmudgeon Party Nominee

All right, STOP, investigate, take action. Merton's back with a brand-new distraction. It's Monday, and that means one thing here at the Diary: It's time to shave Reno's back.

Okay, it actually means TWO things. Posterior deforestation, and crotch-sockery. So, even though there's been no previous adieu, we'll have none further. Just the...

And who are our nominees? Behold!

Flavor Flav

Flavor Flav is inarguably the best "hype man" in the business. Which, when you think about it, is kind of like being the valedictorian of the "special school."

The erstwhile William Drayton Jr. earns a spot on this week's roster for one reason and one reason only: With the possible exception of certain vacuous, skin-bag heresses who shall remain nameless, there is quite possibly not a single more useless human being currently consuming resources anywhere on the face of the earth. When you find occasion to think about it...What have been his contributions to the popular culture? Well, let's see...He stood behind Chuck D., admittedly a great political voice and social motivator, and punctuated some reasonably astute, timely rhetoric with pop-eyed mugging and exclamatory nonsense phrases rendered in a gravelly pastiche/patois of street slang and downright gibberish. In terms of his relevance to the overall Public Enemy group as a whole, this puts him somewhere ahead of Linda McCartney's one-note keyboard solos in Wings, and that guy who skanked in front of the horns in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

Still, if that had been it, fine. Being a vestigal musical appendage is mostly-inoffensive, and hardly unprecedented. But of course, he didn't stop there.

After several years out of the spotlight, Flav re-emerged, looking much the worse for the wear, on VH1's "The Surreal Life"; Literally a reality show starring exclusively has-beens. It got a lot of press, largely for Flav's against-all-odds romantic pairing with Brigitte "Red Sonja" Nielsen, herself a FAR past her sell-by-date popular culture pseudo-icon. I never watched it, and I'm glad I didn't. I imagine that any (gag) "love" scenes the viewer was subjected to looked something like a ceramic lawn jockey rhythmically slamming against a side of beef in a fright wig. I haven't the words.

Naturally, because of the morbid curiosity, ratings were good enough to give those two a show of their own ("Strange Love") once their "surreal" run was over with. And when that didn't fly, "Flavor of Love" and its subsequent iterations were born, in which Flavor, looking ever more like a naked, dessicated mummy, attempted to put the moves on a house full of women who looked like they collectively had more crabs than Cape Cod in August. Of course, from THAT spun off "I Love New York", in which one of Flavor's rejects got a room full of empty-headed bodybuilders to molest, until she had used them all up and wrung out what passed for their souls in alphabetical order. Much like herpes, the evil of Flav's "influence" in the medium of television keeps getting passed along from host to host, and there seems to be no cure for the flare-ups.

Flav's latest assault on the public's consciousness is "Under One Roof," a low-rent superstation cable series in which he plays "Cali Cal," a washed-up ex-rapper with no fashion sense who wears gaudy jewelry, and says his own name a lot. Nice to see him stretching his wings a little. And here I was afraid he'd get typecast.

Of course, no dissection of the tissue-thin character of Flavor Flav would be complete without mentioning his genetic legacy. Nobody really knows for sure just how many bastard kids he has, nor by how many different mothers, but it's rumored to be in the double digits on both counts. Of course, he supports all of these li'l ninjas, right? Sure, if by "supports" you mean, "fights against supporting tooth and nail while dodging court orders and refusing to submit to DNA testing that might prove they're his." At last estimate, he was spending more on custom grills in a month than he was supporting his children. I'm honestly surprised he found that many female carbon-based lifeforms willing to do the nasty with his bony ass in the first place, but either way...It certainly underscores the ironic humor of spending three (and counting) television seasons putting him in a giant house full of women all attempting to be the next.

Not that it's HIS fault, right? Right.

Rep. Douglas Bruce

Some people are such unapologetic scrotum-sniffing fuck-tards that it's quite literally difficult to believe they reached adulthood without being tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail. Rep. Douglas Bruce (Republican, Colorado State House of Representatives) makes these people look like birthday party clowns in contrast.

Rep. Bruce first attained semi-national notoriety when he threw a tantrum and kicked a press photographer...at his swearing-in. Apparently, Bruce thought himself so important that he wanted to take his oath during the full assembly. When he was told he would be sworn in on an individual basis just like everyone else, he acted like any simpering baby who didn't get his way would: He lashed out at anyone convenient. In this case, it was a newspaper cameraman who was just trying to get a shot of Bruce for the next day's edition. He was sitting on the floor in front of Bruce, shooting up at him, so as not to obscure his view of the dais during a prayer service. Apparently he got too close, because Bruce bent over, jowls quavering, and told the guy to back off. When the photographer didn't, Bruce figured he was well within his rights to lift up his shiny, expensive little shoe, and stomp on the guys bent knee. Totally reasonable. Might have gone unnoticed, too, had CBS4 Denver's cameras not caught the whole thing.

Watch the video by clicking here. (Opens in a new window.)

Well...Looks like he got his career off to a stellar start. What's he done since? Funny you should ask!

Recently, Bruce was recognized by the assembly during debate on a HB-1325, bill that would allow the state to help immigrant workers get temporary federal visas. Colorado has a healthy agricultural community, but of course Caucasian people are FAR too good to sully their tender, lily-white hands doing anything so common as FARM work. So, at least Colorado was being pragmatic, and had proposed legislature that would allow hardworking persons of non-native birth to NOT GET ACTIVELY DEPORTED FOR HELPING TO FEED EVERYONE. Makes sense to me. But, of course, Brucie-poo, being from the Right side of the aisle, can only see the great sombrero-wearing, Lou-Dobbs-approved Mexican Menace bearing down on us like a bean-eating tornado of horror. And it goes without saying to ANY bigot that regardless of the implications, it cannot stand.

So, what does he do? Naturally, he opposes the bill. But not by falling back on the standard GOP party line, and parroting empty epithets about "American jobs" or "preserving border sanctity" (which have ALWAYS struck me as funny coming from ANYONE whose last name isn't a combination of an action verb and an animal). Nah, he went right for the jugular. During an actual assembly of the state house, while he was recognized as having the floor, he said, and I quote:

"I would like to have the opportunity to state at the microphone why I don't think we need 5,000 more illiterate peasants in Colorado."

Unbelievable? Well, there's video of THAT, too.

Wow. Just...Wow.

Look, maybe instead of nut-punching this anal fissure, he should get a medal. After all, the Right so often tries to obscure their elitism, their racism, their intolerance and bigotry behind politically-correct smokescreens of circular speech. So, it's rare when one guy has the testicular fortitude to actually up and SAY what the rest of them THINK...And I guess that kinda helps pull the curtain back on the wizard a little. Exposes the machinery, and lets people see how wrong is the Right. I'd like to think that for every Republican scandal that breaks, a few more leftists are born. That's probably terribly naïve, but hey. The poll numbers do help keep me warm at night.

No matter what, this piece of shit really needs to get his priorities straight. He doesn't look to me like he misses too many meals. Maybe it'd do him a little good to think for a minute where they come from.

Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh is a dick. Let's just get THAT shit out of the way right upfront. Few shit-birds in recorded history have embodied such a hilariously despicable melange of ego, volume, bluster, hypocrisy, and downright wrong-headedness. The guy called for ludicrously harsh sentences for drug abusers until it was revealed that he gobbled more Oxycontin than the entire goddamned Appalachian basin, at which point he whined about victimhood and understanding. He dodged the Vietnam draft by whimpering that he had a pilonidal cyst, which - look it up - is really little more than an ingrown ass-hair. When Michael J. Fox appeared in a campaign ad for pro-stem-cell-research Missouri Democratic congressional candidate Claire McCaskill, openly suffering the tremors of Parkinson's while asking voters to send a candidate to congress that wouldn't prohibit medical research that could save lives and cure chronic diseases, Limbaugh openly mocked Fox on his radio show, visibly faking a seizure on the video feed while accusing Fox of deliberately going off his meds to provide a better, more pathetic spectacle. And, of course, he's been a reliable GOP mouth-puppet for every backward, asinine, nation-crippling policy the Right has claimed as their own since long before anyone paid any attention. Without Rush Limbaugh and his particular brand of blowhard punditry, there'd be no Bill O'Reilly, no Sean Hannity, and no Ann "The Man" Coulter. Make no mistake: Rush Limbaugh is a horrible, detestable, infuriating excuse for a human being. He is lower than beetle shit. This "legacy" alone would be enough to make him a permanent fixture in the sack-knock race, even if hadn't pulled some more shit last week.

In case you haven't heard, Rush is no fan of the Democrats. No, sir...Not at all. In fact, he hates them so much that on his radio show last week, he expressed some desires as to what he, in his heart of hearts, would like to see happen at their convention in Denver this summer. And, not to put too fine a point on it, what he wants to see is rioting.

Limbaugh has put out the call to his listeners. He has made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that they ought to do whatever they can to incite riots in and around Denver this year, in an attempt to expose the Democrats for the animals they are, and therefore ultimately cost them the election. So terrified is he of the inevitable prospect of a Democratic landslide in November that he has literally told his base to set the Mile-High City on fire the last week of August. He even has a cute little name for it: "Operation Chaos."

"If there were riots in Denver, the Democrat Convention would see to it that we don’t elect Democrats. And that's the best damn thing that could happen for this country as far as anything I could think of....We don't riot. We don't burn our cars. We don't burn down our houses. We don't kill our children. We don't do half the things the American left does"

Naturally, Limbaugh was called on his incitement, even by some of his own listeners. So, by way of clarification, Limbaugh later said, "I am not inspiring or inciting riots, I am only dreaming of riots in Denver." So, he's not trying to PROVOKE it, or INCITE it, certainly. Heavens no! It's just that when he goes home at night to his lonely, empty McMansion, peels off his Brooks Brothers-knockoff suit, pounds back half a bottle of Hydrocodone and starts fumbling around among his pudgy, musty folds for the withered cock he hasn't seen in thirty years in order to rub one out before he goes to bed, violence, burning cars, and civil unrest at the opposing party's convention is just what he squeezes his eyes shut and fantasizes about because it's what he really, really wants. Really.

Gee...That makes ME feel better, how about you?

Y'know, recently, at a press dinner, Dick "Dick" Cheney tried his gnarled, age-spotted hand at a bit of stand-up comedy. He made some joke about inviting Hillary Clinton to go hunting with him. Of course, the place roared. Ha, ha! Funny Joke! Of course, if you or I made a wisecrack about taking a shot at a sitting senator and presidential candidate, the Secret Service would be so far up our ass we'd be able to taste their shampoo faster than you can say "Gitmo." So, inciting riots? Making blithe references to shooting senators? Wiretapping your neighbors with no warrant? No matter WHAT felony you'd like to commit, you'd better be a Republican! Because it's not illegal when THEY do it!

And, your winner:

Douglas Fucking Bruce.

Usually, when even the most ardently cold-hearted Republican is asked to defend his hard, hate-filled nougat center, he or she will backpedal, and spin. They obfuscate, rephrase, deny and lie...Whatever it takes to at least give the APPEARANCE that they don't fellate Satan on a regular basis. In the wake of the above-mentioned call to arms, Even career scum-suck Rush Limbaugh tried to say, "I'm not provoking, just squinching my eyes shut and wishing really hard." But not Bruce. He stands by his void-skulled hate speech! When confronted by TV reporters about his open prejudice, he had THIS to say:

"We bring 'em here to do agricultural work on the land, which is what the definition of a peasant IS. Look it up. We're not talking about people who are highly-trained. We're talking about people at the other end of the educational spectrum. And they're generally called illiterate."

Of course, the Democrats in the Colorado house are calling for reprimand. Hell, the kicking incident noted above got him a censure - the toughest punishment ever doled out by the body. Surely open racism on the floor ought to be good for SOMETHING. I mean, Christ...When questioned, Bruce's own party majority leader Mike May was quoted as saying:

"We've kind of gotten...used to Representative Bruce's antics, but today, I think it startled everyone that even he would sink that low."

See the video here.

News flash, douche: When even other REPUBLICANS hate you? It might just be time to hit up your local chapter of Assholes Anonymous. So, congratulations, Bruce. The coveted sack-smack is yours. And, being as you clearly have balls the size of Volkswagens, that ought to be relatively easy to pull off even from a good twenty paces. So, I'll see you at the convention in St. Paul!

Whoops! Better be careful! I guess I'd better say I'll just DREAM about it.