The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity: SCOTUS Edition

Non-political-junkies, feel free to tune out. As a matter o' fact, go ahead and click here for something a little more your speed.

As for the rest of you: In case you missed it (which you probably did)...

On January 21st, the United States Supreme Court reached an interesting landmark decision. In the case of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the SCOTUS came to a shocking-to-anyone-with-a-functioning-cerebral-cortex conclusion that can be summed up with a phrase so trite, AC/DC used it for a song title: "Money Talks."

In a slightly more detailed description, the case determined to be legally viable an opinion that even a six-year-old would find fishy: the idea that corporations are basically individuals. Y'know...people, more or less. And that as people, they have the same right to free speech that we're ALL guaranteed under the first Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. So far, so good, right?

"I AM A PERSON. I WILL BE HEARD."

Sure. Until you realize that in the same breath, the SCOTUS also decided that a financial contribution to the political campaign of a specific candidate is a form of legally-protected expression. That is to say, when an individual gives money to someone running for something, that action falls under the auspices of "free speech." Again..."Money Talks."

I'm sure most of you can see where this is going. As for you, Ms. Simpson, Hi! OMG your tits look AWESOME in that shirt! LOL!

ANYway...In essence, this provision has made it perfectly 100% legal for any corporation to donate any amount of money to any political candidate for any reason. Yeah, really. No, I'm serious. Yeah.

The court voted 5-4 in favor of this, with the division breaking down pretty much how you'd expect: any Justice appointed by a right-leaning President was all, "Yeah! Money good!" Whereas any Justice sent to the bench by a lefty pretty much came down on the side of "OH MY GOD NO JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING IDIOTS NO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING"

Artist's rendering of the decision.

Suffice it to say, no. They didn't. With their typical short-sighted verve, the Conservative justices saw the possibility of a whole lot of corporations giving a whole lot of money to a whole lot of Republican candidates...because Republicans tend to be more friendly to businesses than their counterparts across the aisle. And by "friendly to businesses," I mean, "happy to take their money, then hit their knees and start sucking, thereby rendering themselves unable to see the company turn around and pollute, cheat on its taxes, and amass absurd, unregulated profits on account'a being blinded by corporate pubes."

Hey, if a corporation can be considered a person, then it can also be considered to have pubes. Just go with me on this one, okay?

In any case, the possible implications of this nasty bit of legal maneuvering are obvious. Any company who more or less literally wants to up and buy themselves a candidate can do so. If a corporation has both the desire and the scratch, they can toss unregulated, unrestricted millions into the campaign coffers of any candidate who will enact legislation that benefits them.

Similarly, if there's a public official who has ALREADY been elected, and he or she is up for re-election, a representative from that company can march on into that official's office and say, "We don't like you. You voted for legislation to preserve wetlands. Wetlands we were going to use to dump our waste products. And now, we have to dump them somewhere else. Somewhere where they charge us an extra half-cent per metric ton we dump, meaning we're paying out $17 million per year extra that we wouldn't have had to, had you not been so in love with the fucking Yellow-Bellied Sap-Sucker and its endangered habitat, or whatever. That's why were giving a few million to your opponent in the upcoming mid-terms. He promised us he'd let us dump our shit anywhere we want. Better start cleaning out your desk, asshole."

So long, Senator. I hear Hardee's is hiring.

And, yes. The idealists among us will still cling to the notion that it's not money, but actual people who head to the polls. And they'd be right. But think about how stupid the average person is. Then think about the fact that statistically speaking, half of everyone is even dumber than THAT.

F'rinstance...There are still people out there who disavow evolution. People who think Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11. People who not only bought Sarah Palin's book, but who also believe she actually WROTE the fucking thing. THESE are the window-licking idiots who are easily-swayed by things like campaign ads. Or flashy buses with American flags emblazoned on them. Or big billboards that paint a given candidate's opponent as a baby-eating adulterer who wants to clean out your wallet, and then use the money to buy a gun to shoot your grandparents in the face. And these are the things that money CAN buy.

So, you see.

But, hey. Far be it for ME to suggest that the Supreme Court just hung a gigantic fucking "BEST OFFER" garage-sale price tag on the front of the White House and the Capitol Building. But the fact remains that whether or not I see it that way, some of our fine country's wealthiest corporate denizens certainly will. And at that point, how long will it be before the Speaker of the Maxwell House® asks the Gentleman from Dell® if he'll yield the rest of his time speaking in support of the "Coca-Cola® is Fucking Awesome H.R. #345" so that the Congresswoman from the Great State of Monsanto™ can offer a dissenting opinion on declaring June 21st "Con-Agra™ Day"?

Hooray for capitalism.