Resumes. A good one will propel you to the front of the "quality candidates" line. A poorly composed one will end up "on file", which of course, is a globally-recognized Human Resources term for "the trash". The goal with your resume is to avoid the latter scenario.
How?
Well, beefing up your resume with degrees from well-respected and highly accredited universities along with Fortune 500 internships and high-profile charity work is one way.Another way is lying. A lot. Because some people will have all of the above on their resume. You probably won't and you'll have to keep up somehow. Besides, you have any better ideas? I didn't think so, Mr. Sports Management Major.
Before we go any further, it's important to remember that putting yourself on the job market is a lot like running for office. In order to succeed you must:
A) Make outlandish promises that you can't possibly deliver. (For example, I once told a prospective employer that I was a detailed-oriented multi-tasker, when in all honesty, I find watching TV and remembering to breath at the same time quite a challenge).
B) Air negative campaign adds linking other top job candidates with terrorists.
C) Remember that once you are hired based on your outlandish promises and subsequently fail to deliver on said promises, you should blame your gross incompetence on somebody else (just like any self-respecting politician) until you fall forward into a higher-profile, better-paying position. Repeat until retirement.
Many of you may feel uneasy spinning such a web of deceit. To that I say, don't be such a pussy. The void created in your soul from such amoral and unscrupulous behavior can always be easily filled with money, hot women, alcohol and excessive behavior. That always turns out well.
Trust me.
So, what kind of lies are employers looking for on a resume? Well, the bigger the better. Remember, there are people out there who actually do have the qualifications you're only lying about. Better make them pretty fucking good.
For example, if another applicant went to Harvard, so did you. During the day. Before your classes at Yale Law in the evening.
Or, if another applicant spent 2 years designing and implementing irrigation systems and teaching eco-friendly farming techniques in impoverished, famine-plagued African nations, so did you. Right after you found a cure for Leukemia. Got it? Go big, my friend. Unless, of course, you don't mind working at that belt buckle kiosk in the mall for the rest of your life. I mean, that's cool. After all, you are banging that chick from the Orange Julius stand AND getting 10% off all mall merchandise. I'd totally stick with that hand, dude.
Hopefully, by now you're starting to realize that while a select few have put in countless dedicated hours and thousands upon thousands of dollars earning their sterling qualifications, it's imperative to keep in mind that you can get the same qualifications with nothing more than a 2.5 GPA at Fratboy State University, some quality, heavy-stock paper, and an egregious distortion of the truth.
Excellent. Now that you know what goes into a good resume, it's equally as important to know how to put all that info together. Let's take a look at 3 different styles of resumes.
1. Chronological
This is the most popular format. It places information in reverse chronological order (i.e. from most to least recent). Employers tend to prefer this format as it (hopefully) demonstrates a candidate’s steady and upward career growth. Thus, the focus is on time, job continuity, growth, and achievements.
2. Functional
A functional resume focuses on skills, credentials, and accomplishments over the course of all jobs held. Emphasis is on what you did, not when or where you did it. Accomplishments, qualifications and experience are grouped together, to emphasize your experience in specialty areas.
3. Threatening
Rather than just flaccidly list your qualifications, the threatening resume allows you to take the bull by the horns and make your objectives known by spelling them out using strong, curt language and, most importantly, threats on the lives of the hiring manager and/or hiring manager's loved ones (click figure 3.1 below for an example).
Figure 3.1
If done correctly, one of these 3 options is bound to get you noticed by HR (or the authorities). And when that time comes, you'll have to be prepared for your first face-to-face job interview (or incarceration).
Up next in the Diary of Fools Online College Graduation Guide:
Chapter 3 - The Interview
Chapter 4 - Welcome to the Working World: Dealing with Chronic Depression
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4 comments:
LOL, I'm going to have to try that "threatening" format!
Freakin' hilarious.
Of course you have to lie on your resume. Company's do it all the time:
"We promote from within" = Our CEO will continue to become filthy rich off the stock options and hand them out to certain handpicked cronies who will be promoted to the EVP level. You, on the other hand, will be force-fed birthday pie once a month and told annually at your review there are just no openings for you at the next level.
"Family-friendly atmosphere" = Welcome back to the endless bitching and backstabbing you thought you escaped when you moved out from your parents' house. Bonus see the pitfalls of incest as coworkers hook-up and break-up in the same night leading to months of pain and suffering for their coworkers.
"Fast-paced environment" = Kiss the sun good-bye. Possibly the moon, too. We plan to work you for all of your waking hours and most of your sleeping ones, too. You are salaried after all, so we don't have to pay you overtime. But don't take an extra five minutes at lunch…that's stealing from the company. We'll be watching!
"Eco-friendly" = We pretend to recycle, but everything you sort into the blue bins just get tossed in the trash. Also, we use as much paper as possible on a daily basis because that means more trees will be planted for clear-cutting later.
"Flexible hours" = See "Fast-paced environment" above. Basically, we'll work you whenever we feel like it in addition to the regular 40 hours a weekend. Evenings, weekends, holidays…you name it! Please try to get married when it's convenient for the company. If your anniversary currently falls during a busy period, please divorce and remarry on a more convenient date. Thanks!
So those awful advertising agencies lied to me? They DIDN'T keep my application on file?
Whoa.
I think I need to re-evaluate things.
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