The DoF Definitive Guide to Bicycle Commuting

A Metropolis/Fridley Joint


With rising gas prices blah blah blah blah, people are parking their cars and trading them in for two wheels, a set of pedals and a seriously bruised taint. But hey, beats paying $100/week to choke the Earth, drown the polar bears and send more soldiers across the ocean to meet a pointless demise just because they wanted money for school, and possibly, a free "Army of One" t-shirt. (Seriously though, how many lead stories do we have to withstand concerning how high gas prices are before people, oh, I don't know... fucking shut the hell up and ADAPT! A-hem. Sorry about that. I digress.)


For those of you new to the ever-growing bike brigade, DoF scribes and fellow bike commuters (not to mention owners of some seriously cut quads) Blaine Fridley and Barry Metropolis are here to make your transition from steering wheel and spacious trunk to handle bars and a milk crate a seamless and satisfying one with an invaluable list of biking DOs and DON'Ts for you to print off, laminate and wear around your neck.


THE DOs and DON'Ts of BICYCLE COMMUTING


DO use 7-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong as inspiration during particularly tough rides.

DON'T tell everyone in the office that like Lance, you ride with one testicle. Though, unlike Lance, your missing gonad is not a battle scar from a heroic, inspiring battle against cancer, but a result of a 4th of July parlour trick gone horribly awry, when you bet your cousin $5 you could shoot an M-80 out of your ass. You did not win.




DO wear the appropriate moisture-wicking clothing during your ride, as to avoid the pungent SwAsS (aka: swass, aka: Sweaty Ass Syndrome). It makes for a long, embarrassing workday. Trust us.

DON'T pedal down to REI and purchase the GORE Bike Wear(TM) 57% Polyamide, 23% Elastane, 20% Polyester, full-body, color coordinating biking suit...

...but DO chuckle to yourself when you pass one of these douche bags on the road, knowing full well that he is compensating for his small penis...and one 'nad.




DO become familiar with hand signals and the various "rules of the road", remembering that if you're riding in the street, you must adhere to the same basic traffic laws as automobiles.

DON'T forget to always wipe from front to back. This has nothing to do with biking, but is a good lesson to remember nonetheless.


DO know that Rad is one kick-ass movie.

DON'T ever forget that shit.





DO invest in some basic bicycle hardware supplies, like a wrench of some sort, some WD-40, and perhaps a spare tire tube or two if you're feeling ambitious. (Even if you don't end up using all these maintenance tools, you ball is guaranteed to get larger if you have them somewhere in you vicinity.) Remember, your bicycle is - in its basic form - a piece of machinery, just like your body. And like your body, your bike will need to be cleaned, lubed and ridden regularly.



DON'T get discouraged about flat tires, hemorrhoids and other miscellaneous mishaps. Think of it as a sacrifice for the planet and your pocketbook. Certainly, don't begin driving your car everywhere because chances are some little Asian lady will accidentally smash into you whilst pulling out of your parking lot*.

*based on truelife events. Not a stereotype. Well, it is. But damn it all, it happened. What am I supposed to do?








DO feel free to use your new bike commute as a way to bag some new poon.

Ex: "What's up, hot chick? The name's Metropolis. Sagittarius. Bike 12 miles a day."

DON'T attempt above with a severe case of SwAsS.












DO properly lock your bike at all times when it's not in use.

DON'T ever sleep on Francis Buxton, that fat, over-privelaged neighbor of yours. He desperately wants your bike. And that conniving tub of goo will totally take it, too.