In England Verbal Assault is Considered a Crime . . . . Wait, what?

By: Lucy Parker

Verbal assault is considered a crime in England. This fact interests me in four ways, 1) Christian Bale of “Batman” was arrested this past week for allegedly committing this “crime”, 2) I extremely enjoyed that film, 3) I obsessively read celebrity gossip sites, 4) and most important, you can actually get arrested for verbal assault somewhere?

Now maybe I find this so diametrically opposed to what I think fits into the array of arrest able offenses because I am an American. I mean where would America be without verbal assault? How about the Declaration of Independence? That’s a fine piece of American verbal assault. Take that King George. I won’t even begin to list other examples, not only because there are far too many, but because I think I find this arrest even more so diametrically opposed to my American beliefs because the “assault” took place within the confines of a family fight.

While I am not certain of what level of importance other countries place on the family unit and what is normal for their daily family life; I am pretty certain, what one could be arrested for in England, labeled as verbal assault, is called Sunday morning in America. I mean I got into an actual physical altercation with my sister the day after Thanksgiving as our mother put up the family Christmas tree. We literally had to be pulled apart. It was a heartwarming typical American scene; I think Norman Rockwell actually depicted something similar.

(Come to think of it, that actually could have been an arrest able offense.)

There are a few basic characteristics that are attributed to the American Family: the husband, the wife, 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and an abundance of verbal battery. I literally do not know one person who has not had an all out explicative ridden shouting battle with another family member. This is normally not a highly discussed or advertised aspect of American family life, but it is definitely the most common.

Could you imagine if people actually could get arrested for verbal assault in America? I don’t know the arrest rates for this offense in England or to what extent they even enforce it, or what is even technically considered verbal assault. Would the normal run of the mill mid-fight phrase “I’m going to bitch slap you” get you arrested? Or does it take more, what does it actually take to get arrested for this? One time my own mother said she was going to stuff my father’s head into an apple sauce jar. Does that count?

Could you imagine sitting down to watch an episode of “Cops” and the local police department responds to a verbal assault call? I don’t know about you, but I would be pissed. When I watch a show displaying crimes I want it to be good. When the cops respond to a call it better be because some shirtless dude found out his hooker was actually a tranny while they were doing lines of blow on an illegal immigrant in the back parking lot of a 7/11. Anything else is crap.

What is the worst Christian Bale could have actually said to get him arrested for verbal assault? It has been reported that before the argument occurred Bale’s sister was asking him for money. It has also been reported that Bale’s mom works as a part-time clown. A clown you say? Now, I’m no comic book expert but wouldn’t the Joker be considered some sort of clown? And, Christian Bale is the man who plays Batman? I really want to see the police report on this one.