The Boner Bailout

by Blaine Fridley, Editor-in-Chief/Breast Man

The breadline currently forming on Capitol Hill as a result of America's horrifying economic downfall currently reads like the nomination sheet for the Sleaze Monger of the Year Awards: Wall Street investors, car salesman, Hollywood producers… but somehow that just doesn't seem sleazy enough for me. There's gotta be a way these bailout requests could be even more insulting to the average workaday American public struggling to fill its collective cupboard with Ramen Noodles, Kool-Aid and Wonderbread. I'm sure I could find plenty more examples if I just bothered to do any research in between my one-handed web surfing sessions, but that's just notHEY! Wait a minute! I've got it! One-handed web surfing sessions? That reminds me of a headline I saw while looking for stuff to keep my other hand busy while doing some one-handed web surfing…

… Last week it was reported that Hustler founder Larry Flint and professional date rapist/sworn enemy of fathers with college-aged daughters/Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis were putting together THEIR OWN $5 billion bailout proposal. Yes, it seems without a thick wad (sorry, the puns are pretty much unavoidable here) of taxpayer-produced funds ejaculated into the porn industry's eagerly-agape mouth (OK, that one was very avoidable), the adult film industry will go down like Jenna Jameson on a massive, throbbing piece of purple man-meat (sorry, I'm not even trying anymore).

Of course, the knee-jerk reaction here is, well, to be sleazed-out and insulted. But a deeper thrust (seriously, I can't stop) into the matter might prove otherwise. Mr. Flint brings up a good point when he mentions in a CNN story that "people are too depressed to be sexually active... this is very unhealthy as a nation. They can do without cars, but they cannot do without sex." So true, Larry. So true. I hate cars. Unless, of course, I'm having sex in them.

And just think, what will America's wank-off sessions be like without our beloved porn industry. The advent of the Internet has rendered our imaginations impotent, thanks to its instant and readily available access to porn*. Without that readily available porn, we would be forced back to the dark ages of Sears bra ads and BET's "Uncut." Is that what you want, America? Is it?? I'm sorry, I don't know about you, but I just can't stay up that late to watch uncensored Jodeci videos. I have a job. Well, as of today, at least.

(*Seriously and genuinely speaking, though…thanks, Internet. Thank you SO, SO much.)

Then, there are those who say, why would we bailout such a predatory industry that offers nothing constructive to society? Well, to the latter portion of that question, please read above. As for bailing out a so-called predatory industry? Well, unlike those altruistic philanthropists in NYC, Detroit and LA… the skin-pic pushers in Van Nuys at least do all their ass-fucking out in the open. Shit, if given the option I'd much rather give my money to Larry Flint than Goldman Sachs any day.


But what do YOU think, DoF readers?