I originally intended to "use my lunch break" to write posts, so you could imagine the rude awakening I had when my place of employment--a mecca of technological retardedness--began restricting Web sites, which instantly cut in half my list of daily bookmark visits (e.g. coedswithdonkeys.com, venerealdiseaseguideforthetwentysomething.com, and milfconnection.com). Combine that with a less-than-stellar home computer and rigorous nightly marathon training (no, I didn't shit my pants), you've got my excuse. That would have definitely earned me at least a C- back in school.
Uhhh, a little about myself: I love tight asses, my chest hair, pissing and moaning
about life (I should fit in well here), and a nice, fat doobie. Okay, we shall commence...Ding, Dong! Ding, Dong! Do you hear those wedding bells a-ringin'? Yes this summer's wedding season is off in full force, and it has fueled me with enough piss and vinegar to drown a lamb. Now, I'm not one to turn down a free meal and an opportunity to publicly humiliate myself, so I've RSVP-ed to five (count 'em, five) to take place this summer. The most recent one I attended, the bride-to-be was a coworker of mine--who I've affectionately nicknamed "T-bone." Because of the proximity of my workstation to
hers, I can tell you everything you need to know about a wedding from the acceptable amount of cleav to show in one's wedding gown to the number of people who can comfortably cut a rug on a 20'x20' dance floor. I'll tell ya, I've heard more than I need to know. Lately I've had to go home after work and watch some cuts from the Iron Eagle series just to boost my testosterone.It's not just the wedding talk that has me miffed; it's the whole idea of weddings. All the pomp and circumstance, indulgence, excess, and sheer waste. One wedding I attended, I saw a server throw away at least 40 pieces of cake. I was so appalled, I had to take a long swig of my Dewar's double malt and turn the gift drop-off site into a beer pong table just to calm my nerves. And I just read that the average
cost of a wedding in the US is $30,000. 30K?! That's fucking despicable. I can't even spend that much on hookers and blow over the entire Labor Day weekend! Well, however much these nuptial events cost, that tenderloin is mighty tasty...Okay, okay, I understand: it's a once-in-a-lifetime celebration where a father gives away a daughter, two lives become one, and fornication becomes
lovemaking. But what ever happened to a bit of originality? Sure, tradition and religion have had a choke hold on weddings for a coon's age, but does the Scripture reading always have to be 1 Corinthians or Colossians 3:12? Isn't there anything else in the Bible that has to do with love, togetherness, and 
unity? Can a guy get some Lord Tennyson up in this hizz-ouse? Or how about a personalized song for a first dance? I swear I'll lose it if I hear "Bless The Broken Road" one more time. (Seriously, Rascal Flatts? I can just picture that lead singer's turkey neck shake like a bowl of Jell-O...)Speaking of choice words, I cannot believe some of "best man/maid of honor" speeches. Before these keynote orators take to the microphone, I always envision these "eulogies of independence" to go something like this: "Mindy and I were roommates freshman year, and I knew, like, right away that we were going to be, like, BFF...
Because everyone knows what happened at Billy's barbecue...
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3 comments:
I've already been to 2 weddings so far. Both open bar, both fantastic meals. I made an ass of myself a total of zero times at each, but the wedding season is young my friend. I estimate at least four public throw ups and a pants-off dance-off before September hits.
Huzzah Sir.
Excellent first post.
you must use a pencil sharpner on your tongue my man...brutally funny post!
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