By Blaine Fridley
Study #2: Three Stall Monte
Upon entering the men's room you notice all three of this particular bathroom's stalls are open. Which do you choose to avoid a painfully embarrassing moment for any co-worker who enters the bathroom shortly thereafter and needs to blast a dookie really, REALLY bad?
A) The stall on the left
B) The stall on the right
C) The middle stall
D) A or B, but not C 
E) All of the above
Answer: D, you fucking dolt. If you answered differently, please remove yourself from the classroom known as life because you just failed a pre-kindergarden level test of unwritten but painfully obvious societal norms. When you have a 3-stall situation, you do not, under any circumstance, take the middle one. This is not Hollywood Squares (Though my fecal matter is a marked improvement over the comedy stylings of Bruce Vilanch) and you're not taking Shadoe Stevens to block.
Answer: D, you fucking dolt. If you answered differently, please remove yourself from the classroom known as life because you just failed a pre-kindergarden level test of unwritten but painfully obvious societal norms. When you have a 3-stall situation, you do not, under any circumstance, take the middle one. This is not Hollywood Squares (Though my fecal matter is a marked improvement over the comedy stylings of Bruce Vilanch) and you're not taking Shadoe Stevens to block.
In a situation such as this, the middle stall is the all important buffer stall. The reasons for a buffer stall are plentiful, stench among them. But more importantly, the buffer stall allows you to pinch a loaf without modifying your regular routine (i.e. silencing your usual array of guttural noises, grunts and lamaze breathing techniques used during fecal labor in exchange for those awkward, self-conscious "whisper grunts").
The buffer stall also helps ease the tension many people feel when pooping in places other than their home crapper. When you take the middle stall you add an exponential amount of stress and disgust in the mind of the already timid workplace pooper. It's bad enough being forced to drop the deuce at your place of business, but then add the fact that your co-worker is wiping his ass a mere Larry Craig wide stance away while he gets a front row seat to listen to your every brown-eye burp and well...shit man, that's just fucking nerve-wracking. So, like, stop doing that and stuff.
The buffer stall also helps ease the tension many people feel when pooping in places other than their home crapper. When you take the middle stall you add an exponential amount of stress and disgust in the mind of the already timid workplace pooper. It's bad enough being forced to drop the deuce at your place of business, but then add the fact that your co-worker is wiping his ass a mere Larry Craig wide stance away while he gets a front row seat to listen to your every brown-eye burp and well...shit man, that's just fucking nerve-wracking. So, like, stop doing that and stuff.
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4 comments:
Blaine,
You're dead on in your analysis of which stall to take, but your unwarranted crack back at Bruce Vilanch (who may be the only man uglier than Larry Craig) and Larry Craig simply brings your latent homophobia bubbling up to the surface of the Tidy-bowl waters of this blah-g yet again. Please submit yourself for re-education at the nearest Atheist Hipster compound at your earliest convenience (by which, of course, I mean NOW!).
wow, there really is an exact science as to where you doo while at work . . .
How about the guys who have a daily date with the workplace WC? I mean, these guys couldn't be more proud of their active GI tract, and they have absolutely no reservations about punishing the company toilet. I swear, some of them probably bring an overnight satchel and camp in there. AND OH! OH! Those dudes that come out and blot the back of their neck with a paper towel! AH! Did you just do a bunch of bicep curls or what?
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