At the end of March, I was in Vegas for five nights and it was quite a wild time. All fun aside though guys; Americans have problems. They have problems that go way beyond a bad economy and a retarded war. Don’t get me wrong, those two things are very big problems, but I’m inclined to think it’s the little fundamental problems within American society itself that will be the eventual downfall of the country. The following is a compilation of some notes I took on Americans while I was there observing them in their natural habitat.
Observation #1: Americans cannot, for the life of them, handle escalators.
Problem: In the five days I was in Las Vegas, I witnessed two escalator-related accidents. It seems that if the terrorists were so inclined to disturb America, they would replace every staircase with an escalator and then it would just be a waiting game. I mean how can you watch a man, unconscious, slowly glide up an escalator laid out flat on his back and not see a weakness in the U.S.’ defenses.
Solution: Is situating a full buffet atop each American escalator enough incentive to get them to the top? As fate may have it, Solution #1 brings us to Observation #2…
Observation #2: Americans are fat disgusting pigs and they don’t care who knows it.
Problem: Well this one is obvious, but beating dead horses is a game I often play with myself. A friend and I went to 7-11 where we saw a donut rack, next to a hot dog bar, next to an eight-flavored Slushee machine, next to the soda fountain, next to an obese kid in a fat-roll-exposing sleeveless t-shirt whom no doubt just ran the gauntlet of gluttony provided right there in the store. I imagine that seconds before we entered, he was adding bits of krispy kreme donut to his cream soda slurpee and using a bacon cheeseburger hotdog to stir them in. Yes, America has Bacon Cheeseburger Hot Dogs.
Solution: Eat some fucking fruits and vegetables once in a while, America. Again as fate my have it, this solution ties right into the next observation. Eerie, right?
Observation #3: Americans are under the impression that lime flavoring is the cure for cancer.
Problem: Beginning with Bud Light Lime and ending with squeezed lime being forced into my burrito, it became increasingly clear that lime has become the hottest celebrity in America. Why though? That’s the goddamn question, America. I’ll admit that the beer was quite tasty and refreshing, but having it in my food, hair products, and drinking water is a bit much. I bet that if I had ordered a hooker to my room, her vagina would have come garnished with fresh lime wedges. (Let’s all be thankful I decided to go in another direction with my lime pictures.) Anyhow, for reasons beyond the realm of my imagination, lime is larger than life right now in the States.
Solution: Give lemons a shot, guys. With all the negative publicity concerning life giving people lemons and cars being lemons, I think it’s time that lemon gets a shot. Lemon is a hard working fruit, goddamn it, and if you’ve ever had a lemon meringue pie, you’d know that.
And now we'll end with a look into what real American Hero, Lime, has been doing lately...
Editor's note: Sully Sullivan is, quite simply, the cat's ass. While you may know him from the new smash-hit DoF segment Ask a Canadian, he sometimes shares his opinion without waiting for a direct question. He has compiled said opinions on his blog Yeah… Totally, Right? Go there. It is funny. It also releases a pleasing aroma similar to that of green Speed Stick® (by Mennen®) for your olfactory enjoyment while reading.
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4 comments:
As a fat American, I can endorse this column.
But at least the French don't ru(i)n half our country.
(yep, snap)
Yeah, we really need to eat some health food... like french fries in gravy.
I'll stick with my bacon explosion, thank you.
In South Africa, I often see people fresh from rural areas standing terrified at the bottom of the 'moving stairs'. It's pretty funny.
And, I can endorse limes, having done a lime post in the past. The colour of limes seduces me.
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