Don King's "Only in America":

THE PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS THAT MAKE THIS COUNTRY THE MOST FUCKING RIDICULOUS PLACE ON THE PLANET, BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MOST FUCKING RIDICULOUS MAN ON THE PLANET HIMSELF.






#1 The Luther Burger


Some people call it the Luther Burger. I call it a moment of religious epiphanasity. A big-ass ball of ground beef smothered in cheese, topped with bacon and sandwiched in between two deliciously delectable Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Ostentatious, outrageous, uncomprehendingly calorific! First time I had a bite, I said "Kiss my black ass, Whopper!" You ain't the king. *I'm* the King! And this colossus of cholesterol is the fantabulific feast a King like myself deserves! You know what the Whopper uses for a bun? Bread. Broke, bland, weak-ass bread. You know what that is? It's outrageously, stupefyingly, systematically un-American! I'm a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I'm a promoter of America. I'm American people. You know what I mean? And you deserve better. That's right! I said it! Burger King is over there on his burger throne, in his bawdy burger castle with his harem of beautiful big-breasted burger wenches telling you - not asking you - what is delicious. And he says a burger in between two regular ol', weak-ass buns is tasty. That ain't tasty. My black ass smothered in butter and honey is tastier. I say it's time to dethrone this so-called king. He's scandalous, disingenuous, the bamboozler of bamboozlers!

This monarchical maniacal merchant of meat says I can have it "my way". Well ain't that some shit? If that were indeed the case, why can't I go to Burger King and get my burger wadded up in a grapefruit-sized ball and nestled in between 2 warm, sweet, heavenly Krispy Kreme doughnuts?

Move over, Burger King! You've just been usurped by the Luther Burger!

Only in America, my friends! Only in America!