Senator Hillary Clinton Breaks Both Ankles During Race, Euthanized on Campaign Trail

From the Diary of Fools Newswire

Charleston, SC - She was a true contender, a filly running in a race usually reserved only for colts. And she hung with the big boys admirably. Unfortunately, the rigors of running proved too much for Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York), and tragedy, not triumph, will be her legacy.

Clinton started strong in the opening stretch of Tuesday's Democratic Primary race, but ultimately came in a close second to Sen. Barack "Big Brown" Obama in the totals. Then, after crossing the finish line just behind the leader, Clinton collapsed, and began writhing in obvious pain while still on the campaign trail.

Immediately, team physicians ran to her side, where they made a startling discovery: Clinton had run to the end, but had fallen just past the finish line, and broken both ankles. The decision was immediately made to put the ol' girl down, right there in the grass.

"I really don't want to talk about it," said campaign manager Maggie Williams. "This is a terrible loss."

Speculation was rampant about what could have possibly gone wrong.

"Obviously, she overestimated her abilities," said Charles Schumacher, State Republican Party Chair. "She got in over her head, and just couldn't hang with the boys."

Others blamed Clinton's trainer, President Bill Clinton, for creating false hope in the press, overstating Clinton's abilities, and smearing the competition. He notoriously called Senator Obama "No Fusiachi Pegasus" just prior to Tuesday's race. "There's no way he can win the Derby, much less the Triple Crown. It's a fairy tale," added the two-time winner.

Still others blamed Clinton's Jockey, James Carville, for whipping the filly too hard and possibly overextending her.

No matter who the blame rests with, one thing is clear: Clinton ran a great race, but it just didn't go in her favor. Sources close to Clinton's team on the track said that, even in obvious defeat and a lot of pain, Clinton was defiant. She reportedly continued repeating, "No! I can get up! I can still win! I'll keep running! It's not over!" even as her medical team was beginning the drip on the lethal injection I.V.

Spokespersons for Obama's camp offered condolences.

"Our hearts go out to her whole team," said Campaign Manager David Plouffe. "Big Brown may have come in first, but he had a lot of respect for Clinton. In fact, after his win, he was planning to name her Secretariat of State."

In lieu of flowers, Clinton's supporters ask that you send contributions to Clinton's favorite charity, Stop Husbands' Intern-Targeting For Abnormal Cigar Entry.