By Blaine Fridley, Editor - in - Queef
Doctor: So, your results are in.
Patient: And?
Doctor: Congratulations. You have herpes. Here's your Valtrex prescription.
Patient: [hugging doctor] Thank you, Doctor! Thank you! Thank you!
Doctor: [laughing] Pleasure's all mine. This is actually my favorite part of being a doctor. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, son.
************
If TV has taught me anything it's that Nazi prison camps weren't so bad, number one. Just one
hilarious escape attempt after another foiled by the stern but comically fumbling Col. Klink and his band of Keystone Nazis. But secondly, it has also taught me that in order to live a full, happy, adventure-filled life, there is only one way to go about it... by contracting genital herpes.Growing up, I was told that genital herpes was something to avoid. Little did I know, that was just yet another lie disseminated by the public school system, along with other whoppers such as Columbus discovering America and the entire subject of Algebra. And sadly, it would be a lie I blindly accepted.
Until I saw a Valtrex commercial.
I watched as a male genital herpes "sufferer" and his gorgeous female companion skipped through a fairy tale montage of hand-gliding, rock climbing, jet skiing, horseback riding and romantic picnics in the fiery orange glow of a perfect countryside sunset.
Sitting on the couch sorting Sun Chips crumbs from my belly-button lint, I contemplated my life - which I naively thought was OK up until now - and how it differed from the couple on my TV screen. And after minutes of reflection (mixed in with several Hot Pocket breaks) it dawned on me - herpes. They have herpes. I don't. Herpes is the key to happiness! And even more so, taking Valtrex twice daily to control outbreaks is the key to happiness. Hello, World! Make way for Blaine Fridley and his oozy, blistered junk... I've got an awesome genital herpes-filled, Valtrex-fueled life to live!
And from that point on, I swore to myself that I would spend every waking hour sticking my ween into any orifice willing to accept it until I contracted genital herpes, and consequently, found true happiness.So far my quest to contract genital herpes by sticking my ween in every willing, available orifice has resulted in failure. Well, failure and several restraining orders. But no matter, DoF readers. The urgency of now has taken over and I will not stop until I am on a mountain top proclaiming to the world "My name is Blaine Fridley! I have herpes and I've never been happier!"
Onward!
Blaine Fridley
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6 comments:
Blaine, You have outdone your self with this one..
I 'm in stitches... this is hysterical... I haven't had a belly laugh in sometime...congrat's on the great post,
eddie
So...are you done with those Sun Chip crumbs, or what?
Oh, and if you really want the clap that bad, I might be able to hook you up. Not PERSONALLY, mind you...I'm clean, and that one confusing weekend at summer camp notwithstanding, I don't swing that way.
But.
I have been up close and personal with a lady or two whose nether regions looked like the "before" picture in a Proactiv infomercial. Naturally, I leapt up and ran screaming from the room, but I may still have their numbers somewhere if you're desperate. Because THEY sure are, or they wouldn't have deigned to nail ME in the first place.
See...That's why a dapper chap always resolves to lick it before he'll stick it. Not only is it gentlemanly to do so, but it gives him the opportunity to give the goods a bit of a face-to-muffin once-over prior to the peter-plunge. Then, if he sees any moist, gaping orifices besides the standard one he hopes to, any happy, waving crustaceans, or god forbid experiences cock-shock (damn you, Thailand), he can suddenly remember a very important appointment across town and beat feet to the street in a hasty retreat.
I do try to insert a bit of education into the proceedings once in awhile. No need to thank me.
Well, I have never stumbled across a more aptly named blog. People running around WANTING to get herpes is the direct result of not strictly sticking to abstinence only sex education. If Mr. Fridley had not, at some point, been taught how to use a condom he would have at some point contracted the disease he now so lustily pursues. It's this kind of wanton, self-destructive behavior that left our once proud and Godly country open to the 9/11 attacks. May God have mercy on your soul, Blaine Fridley, as you burn in the fires of hell!
Absolutely brilliant!
:-)
Goddamnit, you totally stole that joke from me! *angry emoticon*
Yes, Ben. You are the first one (making me apparently the 2nd) to ever think of that while watching a valtrex commercial. I bow to you as the comedic equivalent of the Go-Bots to your Transformers.
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