For many of my formative years, I religiously watched Professional Wrestling. I admit that now, because I think it probably explains a lot of what's wrong with me. Maybe because I pile-drive danger and suplex injustice, I don't know. But mostly because I enjoy a spectacle.
So trust me when I say I know a little bit about Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan.
See, Hulk was your prototypical hero type. Right down to the hair-jostling of little kids as he made his way to the ring with "I am a real American" piping through the stadium sound system.
God bless the '80s.
Anyhow, he obviously captured the hearts of many.
So when his wrestling days finally began to dwindle, it wasn't a Bakula-like quantum leap to see him continue his 'Leg-Drop' on the the American small screen with his VH1 show, "Hogan Knows Best."
I watched it. The first season, I even thought...well this dude actually seems legit. (Maybe even 2 legit 2 quit?) After the first season or so, he was bestowed with 2007's Father of the Year in June of that year, complete with a huge ceremony and everything.
...and from there is why I bother to write about Professional Wrestling, or any Wrestler at all.
Like pouring salt on a wayward slug, the standing ovations over Terry Bollea "The Hero" apparently shriveled the former Hulk into his original state faster than anabolic steroids shriveled the balls of his former competitors.
June 2007- Terry Bollea "Hulk Hogan" Named Father of the Year.
August 27, 2007- Hulk's son, Nick Hogan is in a serious car crash with friend and former Marine, John Graziano. Nick Hogan's Yellow Supra, as you can see in the file photo is fucking wrecked. A few weeks before, he had this to say about his prized "pussy magnet."
"The yellow Supra and yellow Viper are pussy magnets for sure. I mean, the green and the silver appeal more to men, ’cause a guy knows what he’s looking at and will drool over it. But girls see the yellow, and panties start dropping off."
Classy, for sure.
November 7, 2007 - Nick Hogan is arrested and charged with reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, use of a motor vehicle in the commission of a felony, a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a breath-alcohol level of .02 or higher and having an illegal window tint. It is now known that passenger John Graziano will never fully recover, and according to court documents, “the most Graziano can hope for is to open and shut his eyes periodically.”
November 7, 2007 - Nick Hogan is arrested and charged with reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, use of a motor vehicle in the commission of a felony, a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a breath-alcohol level of .02 or higher and having an illegal window tint. It is now known that passenger John Graziano will never fully recover, and according to court documents, “the most Graziano can hope for is to open and shut his eyes periodically.”
November 20, 2007- Reports surface that Nick Hogan, Linda Hogan (Hulk's wife) and Brooke Hogan (Hulk's daughter) are featured on a 2005 underground DVD titled "Vehicular Lunatics."
Not exactly great evidence of sound parenting.
November 24, 2007- Linda Hogan files for divorce from Hulk Hogan. Good month, so far.
February 28th, 2008- Christiane Plante alleges an ongoing affair with Hulk Hogan, dating back to at least 2007, during taping of 'Hulk Knows Best.' Plante worked on Brooke's 2006 album.
March 2008-Then things get...really...really creepy.
This is Nick Hogan.
This is Linda's new 19 year old boyfriend, Charlie Hill. Charlie is a grade older than Nick. They went to the same school. How sweet.
On left is Brooke Hogan, kissing Hulk. On Right, is Jennifer McDonald, Hulk's new flame. Yes, those are actually two different people.
Even a vile blogger such as myself hates to point out incestuous innuendo, but then this photograph was leaked. That's...not Jennifer McDonald.
I am a real American. Fight for what's right for every man?May 2008- Nick Hogan is sentenced to 8 months in jail.
Jailhouse conversations between Nick and Hulk are leaked, which include Nick and Hulk insinuating John Graziano's "negativeness" was a major contributor to his current state.
This state.
Not Nick going over 60 in a 40, street racing, and being under the influence. It probably was John's negativity. He really had it coming.
October 21, 2008- Nick is released from jail, 3 months early. PARTY!!!!!!!!! No word on if the soulless Hogans tried to use Graziano's forehead to bong a beer.
March 2009- Brooke poledances at the Calle Ocho festival. The Beav-shot is always a classy way to kick off a new album.
April 15, 2009- Hulk Hogan, when speaking of his ex-wife Linda utters the words "I totally understand OJ. I get it." Always a good way to get public opinion on your side. To sympathize with a murderer.
May 24, 2009- A public feud between Linda and Brooke becomes even more hilarious when Linda drops this little nugget.
"[If] Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father’s lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, [Linda's new boyfriend] will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called ‘Redemption’ which will easily surpass any of Brooke’s records sales."
Oh snap, Momma is gonna have her little boy have a record that sells...like 5 copies. Worst. Threat. Ever.
July 21, 2009- Brooke Hogan's album "Redemption" is dropped. This is the cover art. For real.
How rare is it that a family is all ugly, virile villains? Shit, even the Jacksons have Janet.
(and yes, I did write this entire post just for a reason to post that picture.)
July 21, 2009- Brooke Hogan's album "Redemption" is dropped. This is the cover art. For real.
How rare is it that a family is all ugly, virile villains? Shit, even the Jacksons have Janet.
(and yes, I did write this entire post just for a reason to post that picture.)
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6 comments:
Holy shit. I knew there was some bizarro kicking around the House of Hogan, but seeing it all laid out in timeline fashion really drives home that these people truly ARE more fucked-up than the Jacksons. I mean, they're ALL MICHAEL. Except with darker skin. The picture of the kid who could eat cereal out of his own skull if not for the lack of motor skills will officially haunt my dreams.
That's some well-researched roasting, there, Reenz. Tell me...In speaking with your sources, were you able to shed any light on the long-standing and wide-spread rumors concerning the exact shape and dimensions of Brooke's penis? Inquiring minds want to know.
http://www.theinsider.com/news/687778_Brooke_Hogan_Bikini_Pics
From the looks of this picture, she looks smaller than most of her father's wrestling buddies.
Maybe 3-4 inches. Not very wide either.
And we all know, Length for show, Width for ohhhhhhhhhh!
Plenty big enough for Nick's vagina, however.
I read the rolling stones article where he talked about "understanding OJ". In the article he also goes on to say that in the 80's when he said he "never" did steroids, what he actually meant was he "always" did steroids. So everyone update their transcripts on that.
I think we all know a similar "Hogan Family"…these folks are by no means unique.Did the film "The Wrestler" really need to be made, when folks like Hulk Hogan are walking around in the flesh, for easy examination at the public's leisure?
Final thought
For some reason the song "I am a Real American" always makes tears well up in my eyes. But I think it's for different reasons than perhaps the original songwriter intended.
wowzers.
i believe you spell hogan family "h-o-t m-e-s-s"
thank you, reno, for such a lucid examination of hulkster dysfunction.
I don't remember The Hulk being such a patriot! Wow. I guess I was too busy getting my ass beat by Tatanka (my brother) while I played the no-name in my white undies.
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