DoF Newswire: Local Student Kevin Tallman "Total Pussy" According to Sources

Merton Sussex - DoF News, Minneapolis Bureau

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Herbert Hoover Junior High School student Kevin Tallman, 12, is allegedly a "complete and total pussy," according to sources close to the boy.

This report comes in the wake of several recent incidents involving Tallman and other students at his school, most of which ended with the boy his parents call "loving and friendly" smeared with blood, dirt, discarded cafeteria food, and in one rumored case, excrement.

(It was not immediately clear at press time whether the excrement in question was of human origin.)

Kevin Tallman, alleged "total pussy."

Problems reportedly began in early fall of last year when Kevin's parents, 34-year-old David Tallman and his wife, 33-year-old Wendy, moved to the area from economically-depressed Fargo, ND in order for David to pursue a career change. Upon young Kevin's enrollment at Hoover Junior High, a group of older, bigger kids took an immediate disliking to him, and began to dedicate a significant portion of their time and energy into letting the boy know this in as many humiliating and violent ways possible within their limited means. Based on independent eyewitness reports, these incidents have included (but have not been limited to) locking him in the girls' lavatory, "pantsing" him in the cafeteria, knocking his books out of his hands in the hallway between classes, pouring bottles of urine into the ventilation slots of his assigned locker, throwing school supplies at his head, and body-checking him into stationary objects in an attempt to cause him physical harm, as well as make him appear clumsy.

Further, in at least one alleged incident, a newsletter-style publication called "Kevin Smalldick Sucks Ass" was produced with desktop-publishing software, printed and distributed to over 200 students before school officials became aware of what was happening. The brochure-style document contained crudely altered photos of the boy violating livestock and dancing ballet in a frilly tutu, as well as several "news reports" on potentially-embarrassing activities Tallman had supposedly recently engaged in. These included possibly-falsified stories of the boy "humping maiboxes," taking baths in raw sewage, and using his mother's "wrinkle cream" as an improvised masturbation lubricant. The document also contained at least one set of parody song lyrics accusing the boy of homosexuality, and alleging that he was born inter-sexed (expressed as, "Kevin Smalldick is a hermafferdite [sic]").

Reports on just what the boy has done to deserve such treatment vary widely.

"Whatever. Kevin Smalldick is a total dork," says Charles "Chaz" Davis, 12, one of the boys alleged to have participated in the creation of the "newsletter." "This one time, I saw him eating boogers at the bus stop. He totally looked right at me looking at him, and he didn't care. He just kept on eating 'em.

Charles "Chaz" Davis, 12, answers a reporter's
questions outside Hoover Junior High.

"They were big, slimy green ones, too," added Davis. "It was totally gross."

Another boy accused of harassing Tallman, 12-year-old Richard "Dickie" Severin Jr., corroborates Davis' accusations. "Yeah, Smalldick totally eats booger sandwiches for lunch. Plus he won't get in the shower after gym class," Severin adds. "Everyone knows it's because he has a vergina [sic]. I wish he would, 'cuz maybe then he wouldn't stink so bad."

"I don't even know him. Leave me alone," said 12-year-old Megan Dubois, a fellow Hoover Student upon whom it is speculated Tallman has a schoolboy crush.

This theory apparently came to light after a recent incident in which Severin appropriated Tallman's three-subject Mead notebook from an unattended backpack, and discovered several pages that were filled with nothing but Dubois' name written over and over again in cursive script, and encircled by hearts. There was evidently also a short, three-stanza poem in which alleged author Tallman compared Dubois' eyes to the sky, and her hair to gold.

Megan Dubois: "Shut UP, Heather. I don't even know who that IS. GOD."

"I heard he likes to sniff his own poop, anyway," remarked Dubois, before quickly walking away.

"I don't understand it," said Kevin's mother Wendy during an interview at the family's modest duplex-style home in Eden Prairie. "Kevin is a sweet boy. He never had trouble making friends at his old school. But ever since we moved here so David could find work again, it's been hard. For some reason, they just can't stop antagonizing him. Either David, or I, or both of us have had to go in to speak with the principal at Hoover at least a dozen times since the start of the school year."

Her eyes grow moist as she recalls having to replace Kevin's clothing due to tears, strangely unpleasant-smelling stains, and the appearance of hastily-scrawled profanity (which had apparently been drawn upon it in permanent marker during several instances where the boy was held down by classmates after school).

"My son is not a 'little fag'," she asserts, her voice quivering. "Maybe he's a little small for his age, but I know he likes girls."

David Tallman, the boy's father, could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly putting in extra hours at work in order to help ease some of the family's debt from his sustained period of unemployment prior to their relocation.

On one of their many visits to the school, Kevin's parents Wendy (left) and David
Tallman examine graffiti on the exterior wall of Hoover Junior High reading, "KEVIN
TALLMEN FUX DOBBERMANS [sic]" before its removal by maintenance personnel.

For his part, Hoover Principal Carl Schuster takes a hard line.

"I'm aware of what's been happening in reference to the Tallman boy," said Schuster said when reached by telephone at his office. "And I've made it very clear that Herbert Hoover Junior High School has a 'Zero-Tolerance' policy when it comes to bullying. We take every allegation very seriously, investigate thoroughly, and appropriately discipline those determined to be responsible for the instigation."

But even Schuster admits that the punishment options available for correcting offenders are limited, and only marginally effective at best. He also reluctantly agrees that disciplinary action taken against Tallman's alleged assailants hasn't seemed to dissuade them in the slightest.

Hoover Principal Carl Schuster (file photo)

"Years ago, we used to be able to paddle students who bullied others," he said. "Of course, nowadays, we can't be as eye-for-an-eye when it comes to teaching kids what it feels like to get picked on by someone bigger than them, or we're setting ourselves up for lawsuits."

He adds, "If you ask me, though, I wouldn't mind bringing it back."

Some methods the school has used in order to penalize students they determine to be bullies have included traditional approaches like mandatory counseling sessions and after-school detention, as well as other less-conventional approaches such as assigning students to assist the custodial staff in cafeteria cleanup, and posting the bullies' names on a "Wall of Shame" in the school's front lobby.

"Okay, so maybe that last one backfired a little," admits Schuster. "Some of the kids saw being on the list as some sort of badge of honor, almost like an athletic ranking," he says. "A few of them even jockeyed for position, acting up again if they felt they had been removed unfairly.

"So...yeah. That one didn't last too long," he added.

Former lobby location of Hoover Junior High "Bully Wall of Shame," now
replaced by a hastily-assembled athletic trophy case.

Sadly, the harsh treatment of young Kevin Tallman doesn't appear as though it will abate any time soon. Just prior to this story's deadline, reports have come in that Tallman is currently in the office of Hoover school Nurse Betty Bromfield, where she is assessing possible damage to the boy's buttocks and genitals. This is as a result of what onlookers described as an "epic atomic wedgie" sustained by Tallman as he attempted to pass a basketball to a fellow "skins" teammate Curtis Jackson during fourth-period Physical Education class.

"I totally bet it didn't even hurt," sneers "Chaz" Davis, accused administrator of the aforementioned forceful upward yank of Tallman's white, boys' size S undergarment into his natal cleft. "It's not like he's got any actual balls, or anything."

Attempts to reach Kevin Tallman for comment on this story were inconclusive as of press time.