The Day I Lost My Faith in Humanity: MAN, the tobacco companies are getting desperate.

I'll just file this under, "Did They Really Think They Were Gonna Get Away With This?!?"

For years, Big Tobacco has faced a pretty serious problem with its customer base. Namely, that it has an irritating tendency to die off relatively young, and in staggering numbers. Sure, smokes tend to engender the sort of "customer for life" allegiance most companies would die for. But the trade-off comes when said customer's life winds up being horribly brief, because people literally ARE dying for brand loyalty. So it becomes important to regularly replenish your user base.

If only doing that with tobacco was easier to do.

But NOOOOO. The fucking GOVERNMENT always has to step in, and slap the R.J. Reynoldses and Phillip Morrises of the world with all kinds of pesky REGULATIONS. First, it was that they couldn't use doctors in their ads. Then, they couldn't advertise on TV or radio anymore. After that came the meddling Surgeon General, who made them print "WARNING: THIS SHIT WILL LITERALLY FUCKING KILL YOU" on every single pack.

Though something like this, I feel, would be even more effective.

But perhaps no blow to the cancer merchants has been so devastating as the Federal mandate that prohibits them from marketing to kids.

"Aww, C'MON!" they cry. "That's just not FAIR! How are we supposed to continue as a going concern if we can't hook impressionable youths on our legal product, and do so at an age when their lack of rational judgment prevents them from making an informed decision?!?" And, they sort of have a point. It's a cynical, evil and transparently self-serving point, yes. But, it stands nonetheless.

And so, they try. They bend over backwards looking for loopholes, and following the letter of the law rather than the spirit of it in an attempt to draw young customers. Customers they can then ride until their early death.

Without question, the worst offender of the bunch has been Camel.

YOU might be. But the folds in your lungs? Not so much.

Sure, they can SAY they're not trying to market to children all they want. But their track record tells a different story. Whether it's getting smacked down because of Joe Camel the cartoon character, or being forced to pull candy- and fruit-flavored death sticks (with names like "Twista Lime" and "Mocha Taboo") off of the shelves, Camel has always been at the envelope-pushing forefront of the advertising-to-kids movement.

But this time, methinks they've crossed the fucking line. Because while studies show that their denials concerning the fruity smokes and colorful dromedaries have trace amounts of plausible deniability, "Camel Orbs" are just goddamned gratuitous.

That's "Camel Orbs," the one-and-a-half calorie death mint.

"Orbs" are sort of like Certs, except instead of Retsyn™, they have Nic-o'Teen™ (emphasis on the "Teen"). Camel is marketing these "Orbs" as a little dose of suckable tobacco for those places where it's considered impolite or illegal to smoke. Y'know, like Earth. And in and of itself, this is a reasonably decent idea. I'd rather be on a bus next to a guy sucking on one of these than chain-puffing pack after pack of Luckies. But, again...the marketing is being called into question. I can't really imagine why. It's not like the color, shape, and design of the package reminds me of anything.

Nope. Nothing at all, really.

But, I'm sure I'm worrying for no reason. I'm sure the good folks at Camel didn't MEAN for anyone to think these were candy. Heavens, no. They'll probably be as horrified as anyone when the similarities are pointed out, and yank these fuckers out of stores immediately. And by "immediately," I mean, "In a manner that gives the appearance of appropriate urgency, yet still ensures they can rack up a few billion in sales in the interim." Then, it'll be several WEEKS at least before they come up with something even worse. Like, say...promotional t-shirts in youth sizes, maybe.

But then again, it's possible that they're already WAAAY ahead of me, there.