Movie Villain Face-Off: Round 1 (Part 1)

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside.

One of the things I've always loved about the internet is its inherent geek undercurrent. It's a great place to really drop opinions about pop culture, then back them up with bullshit rhetoric and sideways reasoning. For instance, as kids...all it would take would be for one kid to say, "Who would win in a fight, Hulk or Superman?" to spark debate. And even though the correct answer is "Superman," we'd still spend hours arguing the merits of our choice, and the detractions of the other guy's.

Yes. Superman totally WOULD win. Fuck you.

So, it's in that spirit that I'm touching off a little experiment. One not unlike countless other "best of" and "top X" lists at far, far lesser comedy sites....sites which shall remain nameless (but that rhyme with "Hacked.bomb"). The difference being, my conclusions will be based in rationality, and not wishful fanboy thinking.

And so, without further adieu, I present to you the result of my lying awake and wondering who would win if some of the movie industry's most iconic bad guys were all dumped into a big room, and forced to duke it the fuck out in a last man standing, no holds barred, winner-take-all fight to the last. Because yes...I am just that much of a nerd.

Hollywood Villain Deathmatch - Round 1 (Part 1)

(Click bracket for larger version.)

Space Division:

Darth Vader (Star Wars) Vs. Khan (Star Trek)

Ah, the classic geek-off. Which is is better...Trek or Wars? I figured I'd let these two settle it.

Khan made a good go of it, really. Much respect. He made a mad dash for the Genesis Device in an attempt to end this whole thing before it even got started. But Vader force-choked him, freezing him in place. Vader then confidently strode over, chuckling lightly at Khan's dainty hair-don't and roll-necked old-lady sweater, and plunged his Sith-crimson lightsaber directly into the valley 'twixt Khan's moist, heaving C-cups.

WINNER: VADER

Sociopath Division:

Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange) Vs. Derek Vinyard (American History X)

Here's an interesting pairing. Two brutal young men, both filled with hatred. Both are complete fascist sociopaths. Both delight in using environmental items to kill. Both went to prison, and experienced an awakening. And both attempted to serve as a good example to others once released into society.

The main difference? Free will. Derek used his to try to find redemption for himself and his brother. Alex surrendered his ability to act on his impulses, but never quite lost them...so when the artificial roadblocks were removed, he was back to his old self.

So, when Derek attempted to extend a hand in peace, Alex grabbed the hand, and then sliced the back of it open. He took special care TO cut into the main cables this time 'round. And the red, red kroovy did flow, O my brothers.

WINNER: ALEX

Terrorist Division:

Hans Gruber (Die Hard) Vs. Ivan Korshunov (Air Force One)

Two European killers with sinister Eastern-bloc accents, goatees, and intentions. Who came out on top?

A coin toss was held to determine the battleground: penthouse, or airplane? Ivan won with a call of "heads," securing the home-team advantage. He then spent a few moments sizing up his opponent, and trying to plan his attack. For his part, Hans (having learned a thing or two from John McClane), immediately wrapped a seatbelt around his waist, fire-hose style, and secured it to a nearby buckle. Then, without a word, he blew a few pistol rounds through the hull behind Ivan, creating a cluster of whistling holes.

At this, Ivan just laughed. "You missed, comrade!" he said mockingly, leveling his own SMG at Hans.

"No...I didn't," said Hans, grinning, as the mounting air-pressure difference suddenly tore a giant breach into the fuselage, sucking Ivan violently outside, and then straight down for 35,000 feet.

Lucky for Hans, the strap held. Even in the midst of heavy battering from all of the items in the cabin rushing past him to exit through the fresh aperture, he laughed.

WINNER: GRUBER

Bond Division:

Ernst Blofeld (Multiple Bond Films) Vs. Auric Goldfinger (Goldfinger)

It's the battle of the scowling, doughy, European evil-doers!

Things got off to a slow start with this one, as Ernst (decked out in finest grey wool lapel-less suit) and Auric (sporting a quasi-military ensemble straight from the Hermann Göring fall collection) spent a few minutes circling each other in a large, hollowed-out cavern inside a mountain. Each wasted quite a bit of time describing in great detail how he planned to kill the other without actually doing anything.

After about 15 minutes, Goldfinger grew weary of the shenanigans, and pulled a golden revolver out of his coat. Blofeld, in a moment of panic, threw his cat into Goldfinger's face, where it proceeded to bite and scratch the living shit out of him. This caused Goldfinger to thrash around wildly in pain and confusion. Blofeld seized the opportunity to wrestle Goldfinger's gun away. And when the cat finally dropped off of Goldfinger's face, Blofeld took only a moment to register amusement over the sight of the bloody mess that used to be Goldfinger's face before launching a 24-karat bullet right between his eyes.

The cat, however, is still not speaking to him.

WINNER: BLOFELD

That's it for now, kids. Tune in tomorrow for part 2 of round 1, when horror baddies, historical creeps and femmes fatale square off in their bid to be crowned tinsel-town's top-tier bad-ass.

UPDATE: Read on with Part Deux.