(Need a refresher? Feel free to get'cher crib-notes from Round 1, Part 1, or Round 1, Part Deux.)
Hollywood Villain Deathmatch - Round 1 (Part Tres)
(Click bracket for larger version with current standings.)Fantasy Division:
Gollum (Lord of the Rings) Vs. Jareth The Goblin King (Labyrinth)It started innocently enough.
Upon entering the ring, Jareth wasn't even aware Gollum was supposed to be his opponent. When he found out that he was to fight a withered, schizophrenic homunculus, he was insulted, and rage flashed in his his dual-color eyes. How DARE a man of his power and stature be so insultingly under-matched? As for Gollum, he just scampered around, hissing.
That is, until Jareth pulled out...The Ball.
As soon as the shining sphere started dancing deftly over his highness' royal fingers, sending the light dancing in enticing directions, Gollum was mesmerized. With his eyes as wide as his wonder, Gollum fell under Jareth's spell and drew closer. Jareth knew that this would happen. No simple beast could resist The Globe and its sinister hypnotism. It was how he'd enslaved the goblins and become their king at the outset.
Within striking distance now, Gollum reached for the ball with trembling fingers, never taking his eyes off of its undulating motions for even a moment...
But just like that, it was gone. The King secreted it quickly back into his robes, thus freeing his hands to end his enemy.
"NOOOOO!" shrieked Gollum. "The PREEECIOUSSSS!" Frenzied, he leapt at Jareth. Unfortunately, due both to his smaller stature, and the absurd prominence of Jareth's majestically regal and bulging genitals as they strained against the sheer, skin-snug fabric of his Renaissance-faire trousers, Gollum's twin targets were not difficult ones to zero in on.
Jareth had denied Gollum a ball. In retaliation, Gollum had deprived Jareth of two others.
WINNER: GOLLUM
Dictator Division:
Emperor Ming the Merciless (Flash Gordon) Vs. Adam Sutler (V for Vendetta)This turned out to be no contest. Sutler may hold most of fascist Europe in his iron fist, but he does so from the other side of a Jumbotron. Ming not only has an entire PLANET trembling in fear of his despotic wrath, but he's not afraid to come down and get his hands dirty when it gets personal.
Ming polished Sutler off neatly, and without even breaking a sweat. Which is even more of an impressive feat when you realize he did so in a 300-pound outfit that restricts his peripheral vision by a full twenty-five percent.
They don't hand out honorariums like "The Merciless" to just anyone, ya dig?
WINNER: MING
Pixel Power Division:
Shang Tsung (Mortal Kombat) Vs. M. Bison (Street Fighter: The Movie)First they made the leap from pixels to polygons, then from consoles to cinemas. Now, for the first time, the hosts of their respective franchise's tournaments square off here.
Bison made an impressive entrance, all right. He arrived with a full entourage of Shadaloo attendants, bearing ceremonial colors and trumpets, before majestically whipping his cape around himself, and beaming to the crowd. By contrast, Shang Tsung simply stood patiently, wearing a sly smile.
When the bell rang...utter chaos erupted. Multicolored fireballs flew, seemingly of their own volition. So did fists, and feet. At one point, Bison appeared covered in a half-dozen semi-transparent Samurai, Moor tribesmen, and Mongols that clung to him like parasites. As soon as he shook them off, he launched himself at his opponent in a leaping, blue-white corkscrew, connecting with such impact that Shang Tsung ALMOST GOT A SLIGHTLY BLOODY LIP. Attack after physics-and-gravity-defying attack landed with brutal, crushing force.
The end came all at once. Bison's Psycho Power had proven too much for Shang Tsung to defend against, and his victory seemed all but imminent. A horrifying tableau unfolded as the battered-but-still-standing Bison stood triumphantly over the felled body of the snarling, felled warrior he'd seemingly overcome; Shang's leather duster lapels clutched in one of his ham-sized fists. But as the other fist reeled back to deliver the final strike, the sorcerer proved that he yet had one final trick up his evil sleeve. Pulling a desperate move out of thin air, Shang Tsung began to shift shape...
...And proved that even the fearsome Bison has a weakness. He just couldn't bring himself to crush the skull of his own mother.
Bison's soul made a nice addition to Shang Tsung's ever-growing collection.
WINNER: TSUNG
Psycho Goth Division:
Top Dollar (The Crow) Vs. Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (The Fifth Element)Admittedly, the handicappers got this one a lot more even than the Ming/Sutler fiasco. At least, they did on paper.
Advantage - Dollar: Intimidatingly gravely voice, leagues of henchmen, advanced hand-to-hand combat skills, criminal background honed in Detroit
Advantage - Zorg: Absurd wealth, munitions expertise, strategic genius, silver-tongued Cajun double-speak
Advantage - Both: Sociopathy, cunning, willingness to fight dirty, menacing squint, goth wardrobe
Unfortunately, they failed to take into consideration that no matter how skilled Top Dollar was with a fencing rapier, nobody can parry a Swiss Army Knife of a gun that has more attachments than a fucking vacuum cleaner. And since Zorg was packing a ZF-1, his only real hardship here was deciding whether to go with the flamethrower, RPG, or exploding arrow-bolts.
In the end, he opted for the net and ice-jet combo. Zorg figured there was no better way to show Mr. Dollar's Aphex Twin-looking ass just how much the recession had deflated his overall face value than by polishing him off with the expansions he'd jammed into the gun as comedy afterthoughts.
WINNER: ZORG
With the weekend comes a break. But rest assured...though the final Round 1 combatants are currently relaxing comfortably, they're only biding their time for Monday...which promises to bring much violent merriment.
See you then.
UPDATE: Continue to Part D.
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