World:
11th Earthquake This Month Kills 57, Injures 234
Don't worry, though - it was in a country you'll never visit full of poor people
Politics:
Discovered: Entire Subculture of People Who Can't Spell, Yet Still Consider Themselves to Possess Expert Knowledge of Economic Policy and Constitutional Law
Group takes orders from fringe pirate propaganda organization known as "Fuck Snooze"
Entertainment:
Apparently, "Justin Beiber" is a Person That Exists
Gender, purpose, and explanation of unfortunate hairstyle undetermined at press time
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