Mean Sixteen - Party of the Second Part. Begin.
(Previously, on "Movie Villain Deathmatch:" Part 1, Part Deux, Part Tres, Part D, and First Mean Sixteen.)
(Click for Viagra version of results so far.)Hollywood Villain Deathmatch - Mean Sixteen, Party of the Second Part
Special Effects Division:
Gollum Vs. Emperor Ming the MercilessStill sniveling regardless of his victory in the previous match-up, Gollum crouched in the shadows of his damp cavern muttering to himself, gently squeezing and releasing Jareth's bloody gonads like a stress ball. He was so absorbed in himself that he barely noticed Emperor Ming approaching from his blind side, despite the reflective beading on Ming's ceremonial gown shifting, shimmering, and being the approximate color of hooker lipstick.
"You there," hollered Ming, upon seeing Gollum squatting nearby. "I demand that you direct me to my next soon-to-be-vanquished opponent at once, you disgusting, pathetic creature."
"Who...meee?" Gollum whined, widening eyes looking wetly upon the Emperor.
"It is plain that you are as hopelessly stupid as you are revolting to behold," sneered Ming contemptuously, looking down the entire bridge of his slender, sinister nose at Gollum. "If you can be of no use to me, then so be it." With this, he gave a dismissive wave of his hand...and with it, the glittering golden ring on its ruby-gloved index finger.
At once, Gollum's eyes widened with desire for it. "PRECIOUS!" he shrieked, and lunged at Ming, arms outstretched.
In an instant, Ming pointed the ring at Gollum, bathing his tiny frame in amber light, and stopping him dead in his tracks. "Imbecile!" cried Ming, as he held the tiny troll in place. "How DARE you approach so much as the hem of my garment without permission!"
"B-b-b-b-but we wants it. We NEEDS it...Must...have..." babbled Gollum helplessly, rooted in place, yet never taking his eyes off of the ring long enough even to blink. "The precioussss..."
Realizing what Gollum was referring to, Ming issued a harsh and barking chuckle. "The ring? Oh, no. No, I don't think so, you repulsive little monster. Off with you at once."
Consumed with wanton ardor, Gollum found himself straining against Ming's energy, and to the surprise of both of them, overcoming it. With every drop of longing his tiny body could muster, Gollum pushed and pushed against the honey-hued glamour issuing from Ming's bauble, and at once, he broke free of it like a shot. Before Ming could blink, Gollum was upon him, kicking, biting and scratching savagely, while groping at all times for the ring. Ming flailed at his miniature assailant with as much anger as he did futility, to no avail. Suddenly, as Ming thrashed and gnashed, his toe caught the hem of his gown. The sheer weight of his robes, combined with the savagery of Gollum's covetousness, threw Ming at once to the ground.
And, he might even have made it, if not for the fact that he had the misfortune to impale his mid-section clean through on a savagely-pointed stalagmite that jutted up from the cavern floor in that precise spot.
In his final moments, Ming had the presence of mind to once again turn his ring on himself and absorb his essence into it, rather than suffer foolish mortal death. His entire form drew inside of it like sand falling into the bottom of an hourglass. Soon, suddenly laden with Ming's being, and with no digit to support it, the ring began to fall harmlessly toward the ground...
...But Gollum plucked it out of mid-air with his quivering, outstretched fingers before it even came close to reaching its gravitational destination.
WINNER: GOLLUM
Cary/Gary Division:
Shang Tsung Vs. Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg"Now, see here, son," said Zorg, leveling his comically-oversized weapon at Shang Tsung, "Unless you're packin' a got-damned nuk-leer warhead under that fancy coat o' yours, I'm thinkin' you oughta just give it up right now."
"You underestimate me only to your own detriment," replied Shang, slipping his duster from his shoulders to the floor in preparation for the fight to come. "A man of honor wouldn't hide behind a weapon."
"Honor?" spat Zorg. "Pffft! Honor's killed millions of people, it hasn't saved a single one."
"As you wish," said Shang, squaring his shoulders.
"Okay, boy. Have it your way. Fair warnin' though: I ain't gonna make this painless."
Zorg pointed the ZF-1 at Shang and applied pressure to the trigger. At the same time, Shang extended his arms toward Zorg, issuing an enormous jet of flame directly at him. And as he screamed in shock and pain, Zorg suddenly found himself regretting having used lightweight polymers in constructing the outer housing of the weapon...as the entire assembly quickly liquefied, and began to bond with his flesh. Within seconds, the flame had consumed him, gaining no small amount of fuel in its progress upward by using his hair product as accelerant.
Zorg's charred husk soon fell to the floor, nearly lifeless, with the ZF-1 a useless, melted lump grafted to what was left of his forearm.
The last thing Zorg heard before his soul was consumed were the words, "flawless victory."
WINNER: TSUNG
No Use For A Soul Division:
Anton Chigurh Vs. HAL 9000"What the hell is this?" asked Chigurh, upon entering his arena only to find a featureless black box with a softly-glowing red lens. "I cannot fight an appliance."
"THAT HURTS, ANTON," uttered HAL in a flat monotone. "I AM PUTTING MYSELF TO THE FULLEST POSSIBLE USE."
"This is bullshit," said Chigurh. "I don't have time for this." He hoisted his cattle-bolt up to HAL's single, lenticular "eye," and placed the barrel directly against its glass surface.
"I'M AFRAID I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT, ANTON," muttered HAL softly. "THIS IS FAR TOO IMPORTANT."
"Try and stop me, friend-o," replied Chigurh, and depressed the trigger. At once, the bolt shot through HAL's red and glowing lens, and directly into its CPU, ceasing HAL's motherboard operation. Unfortunately, the bolt didn't stop there, but continued its piercing path directly into HAL's power supply.
As massive amounts of voltage suddenly found a new path of least resistance, Chigurh danced and jittered in a spasmodic stutter-step, quickly cooking from the inside out. In less than a second, his page-boy began to smoke, and his eyes burst from their sockets in gooey gobs. Chigurh was dead within moments, but his lifeless body still clung helplessly to the bolt-handle, every major muscle-group twitching with high-amperage electrical stimulation.
Soon, however, it dropped to the floor in a crusty heap, smoldering and broken.
As for HAL, the service log of the incident read: "permanent shutdown mode - initiated by user error."
WINNER: TIE
Frank n' 'Face Division:
Frankenstein Vs. LeatherfaceIt's a pity, when you think about it.
It took a man of genuine (albeit morally-corrupt) genius to create Frankenstein's creature. A man deeply learned in the areas of biology, human anatomy, and electrical engineering. A man so driven by the strength of his own intellect that the thought never crossed his mind that simply because he COULD do something, that didn't mean he SHOULD do it. Yes, Victor Frankenstein was one of the most tortured sort of brilliant men, a man of such insurmountable aptitude that he was entirely unable to step out of his own head long enough to consider the impact of his horrifyingly grotesque experiments, should they happen to succeed.
It's just a shame that the painstaking work of masterminds is so often susceptible to being UNdone by those who seek only to destroy. For every towering edifice of glass and steel, there is a suicidal fundamentalist with a box cutter and basic flight training. For every artist who pours his or her soul into canvas or marble, there is an offended simpleton with a can of spray paint. And for every walking marvel of advanced biological engineering, there's a fat redneck with a blood-stained apron and a misappropriated power tool.
WINNER: LEATHERFACE
Next: The race to the final continues as the great
UPDATE: The Great Eight meet their fate.
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2 comments:
Now this is just getting silly.
'Cause it was TOOOTALLY serious to begin with. :P
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