Diary Decree: Restaurant Restitution

The law according to the Diary, as governed after our inevitable world takeover.

WHEREAS, In the event that a given diner (henceforth referred to as "Plaintiff") chooses to spend both an evening, and his or her hard-earned dollars at an establishment of casual-to-fine dining (henceforth referred to as "Defendant"), the restaurant will:

1) Serve Plaintiff's party water and bread within two (2) minutes of a host/hostess/maitre'd having seated them.

2) Ensure that the flatware is free from gunk that not only escaped the dish-washing process, but became baked-on to industrial diamond-grade hardness during the drying cycle.

3) Instruct servers to provide pricing information alongside flowery descriptions of daily specials.

4) Compose a menu consisting of no less than seventy percent (70%) foods that people might actually enjoy eating (as opposed to outré, fusion-y concoctions like "Tobacco-Braised Cod-Thigh tips in Crunchy Caper Glacé/Reduction of Cowper Gland d'Duck á-la l'orange, Served Wellington-Style w/au jus").

5) Serve portion sizes somewhere between "Snack for Anorexics" and "Sumo Surprise."

6) Offer a "family hour" between 5:30 and 7:30 p.m., so that diners who wish to avoid encountering repulsive, sticky hell-spawn (who sprint at full speed between tables, emit unappetizing odors and skull-splitting shrieks and/or stare at other diners with slack mouths full of half-masticated macaroni and cheese) may do so.

7) Serve full-strength alcohol marked up LESS than one hundred fifty percent (150%) of wholesale value.

8) Instruct servers to return to the time-honored "How is everything?" check-up request, and forbid the awkward, focus-grouped, "How's everything tasting tonight?" thing they started all pulling en masse seemingly overnight a couple of years ago.

9) Place any server who says "Are you still working on that?" while there is still food on the plate onto immediate table-bus duty for the remainder of the evening.

10) Keep the kitchen open as long as the bar is, and vice-versa.

Proceeding: In the event that any ten (10) independent diners experience and report at any of these guidelines as having been breached within any forty-five (45) day period, Defendant shall be found to be in violation; class-action proceeding will begin, with all ten (10) Plaintiffs representing a single legal entity for the purpose of the proceeding.

Counter-Argument: Defendant shall be allowed to call up to three (3) restaurant patrons to rebut the evidence of the Plaintiff's witnesses with evidence of their own, to be presented at day of hearing.

Admissible Evidence: Acceptable exhibits include (but are not limited to): cell phone photographs/video, copies of prescriptions for anti-anxiety medication, expletive-filled restaurant comment cards, compensatory coupon books proffered by establishment management and/or receipts showing "mea culpa" discounts rendered by management at time of payment. Hearsay will not be permitted. Exhibits will be considered on a case-by-case basis at discretion of Diary representative.

Punitive Damages: Defendants who are found to be in violation shall be subject to provision of restitution. Convicted Defendants are hereby obligated to provide no less than two (2) complementary evening meals (including one beverage of the Plaintiff's choice) unto each Plaintiff, to be served consecutively or concurrently depending upon whether Plaintiff is accompanied by a dinner guest.

Reasonable Doubt: If the restaurant can cite at least five (5) four-star-or-better Yelp.com reviews having been impartially logged within the previous forty-five (45) days, Reasonable Doubt rules are in effect. Under Reasonable Doubt provisions, Plaintiff and Defendant will enter binding arbitration:

A) Should the Defendant emerge victorious from arbitration, a penalty is levied unto the Plaintiff(s); namely, the obligation of EACH to serve (without other compensation) one (1) full weekend's worth of open-to-close business hours standing in front of the Defendant's establishment wearing a promotional sandwich board (or whimsical mascot costume), enthusiastically promoting the Defendant's business. Plaintiffs may be required to hand out business cards, promotional flyers, coupons, etc. for the purpose of driving customers into the restaurant. Plaintiffs will smile, answer questions, and exude positivity (bathroom breaks will be granted at the discretion of restaurant management).

B) Should the plaintiff be found for, the Defendant shall provide one (1) complementary weekday luncheon service unto Plaintiff, including non-alcoholic beverage. Surly or inattentive service is permitted (Plaintiff will also be responsible for server gratuity not to exceed eighteen percent [18%] of the total menu price of the entrée).

Addendum: "Surly service" shall NOT be implied to mean that the wait or kitchen staff has clearance or permission to introduce foreign substances into Plaintiff's food (including but not limited to scraps, vermin, hair, sputum, or other mammalian effluvia).