This is a real product. Yeah, I know.

The world of consumer products sure is a fascinating one, isn't it?

Some shit you can buy exists because you need it. Clothing, food, and shelter come to mind. Other shit you can buy because you want it, and here I naturally speak of High-definition Televisions, abalone cufflinks, and the services of courtesans.

Then, there's shit that's available to you once you've satisfied every single necessity from the first category, and more than every single indulgence from the second one. Typically, the shit that falls under THIS umbrella can most reliably be found between the glossy covers of catalogs with names like "The Sharper Image," "Hammacher Schlemmer," and "SkyMall." It is here you can waste money to procure such absolutely superfluous bullshit as a chocolate-melting thermometer, or periscope glasses for reading in bed, or maybe even a fucking $500 comb that claims to be able to re-grow hair using lasers. Christ. You have no idea how much you wish I was making any of that up.

"You and me both, pal."

Economists may tell us we're in a recession, but the way I see it, the absurdly-bloated wealth of any country has a handy barometer. It can quite reliably be judged by just how very many outlets exist for the sole purpose of selling useless shit designed to alleviate the manufactured inconvenience of first-world, white-person irritations. F'rinstance, in Darfur, people couldn't buy food even if they had any money...which they don't. In America, we sigh and decry the unfairness of life when we realize we don't have enough money for BOTH the Timelapse Garden Video Camera and the Talking Wireless Barbecue Thermometer.

Point is, if you can think of it, and it's possible to manufacture it, some retarded asshole will buy it...provided it's marketed properly.

Case in point is today's little distraction.

But first, a bit of background:

A dopey fitness trend called "Barefoot Running" has apparently been taking off recently, and it's about as stupid as it sounds. Despite billions of dollars of research, development, and space-age materials going into modern running shoes, there are people who claim that all of the multi-density insoles and stability-supporting torsion systems in all the sweatshops in China amount to just so much marketing. Smoke and mirrors, the lot of it. Because the best thing for distance runners to wear on their feet is...nothing.

"Is this where I register for the Marathon? Sure, I'll sign a waiver."

As evidence of this, proponents of barefoot running cite groups of people like the Tarahumara, an ancient tribe of Mexican natives for whom running at breakneck speeds over deeply absurd distances is a cultural art form going back millennia. They write books about how these people have all but eugenically bred themselves to be little but human running machines, capable of covering hundreds of miles of distance in just a few hours...all on foot, and well into their nineties. They tell stories about how these tribes largely survive via "persistence hunting," a rarely-practiced form of bringing down wild game that mostly involves running and tracking animals to the stage where the hunter actually wears his or her prey out to the point of exhaustion. At which point, I assume, they bop their dinner on the head with a rock, then pick the fucker up, turn around and run back home.

Kinda makes this guy look even MORE like a gigantic pussy, doesn't it?

And to be fair, these fucking idiots sort of have a point. The human body is capable of amazing feats of endurance and strength (pun most definitely intended). And that's true even if the Western diet and lifestyle have made most Americans so goddamned fat and lazy that we literally sell each other gadgets designed to stir our fucking food for us while it's cooking. But for all of their ardently breathless entreaties as card-carrying members of the human potential movement, these morons ignore a few basic facts:

1). These indigenous tribal folks have made running the central core of their identity and survival for thousands of years....it's not something they try to "squeeze in" between the board meeting, and Jeeping Kassidee to her soccer game. So they're pretty fucking good at it. Not because they're feeling guilty, and need to burn off last night's dinner, but because they wouldn't have HAD last night's dinner if they hadn't chased it so long its goddamned heart exploded.

"I win, asshole."

2). Because these native peoples have been doing this for so long, they've actually evolved measurably. As a tribe, their joints are in exceptional condition, their heart-lung function is off the charts, and the skin on the soles of their feet has achieved a texture and density that's the envy of commercial-grade tanneries. And this shit has been hard-fused right smack-dab onto to their fucking DNA since before they escaped subjugation by the Conquistadorés...by running away from them.

3). The areas where these people live are extremely well-suited to running for extended periods. The terrain is flat, even, and wild. These are the kinds of places where you CAN run for hours in a straight line without seeing another person...to say nothing of seeing a set of train tracks, a speeding SUV, a discarded syringe, or worse.

Sucks to be you. Enjoy your lockjaw.

So, what's the compromise? Surely, there HAS to be a happy medium. Some method by which one can enjoy all of the benefits of zipping around barefoot, while still offering oneself a measure of protection from the slings, arrows, broken Corona Bottles and dogshit that are an unfortunate by-product of our culture.

Well, yeah. Sorta. I'm just not sure you'd necessarily want to be caught dead actually wearing them. But, I guess that's up to you.

So, without further adieu, may I present to you...

The Vibram® Five Fingers Shoe.

Yep.

I know, totally.

Right?

And yet, these exist. Even funnier, in emulating the inch-thick natural soles of conditioned barefoot runners, the manufacturer had to employ a dizzying array of impressive-sounding materials and methods. Shit like "abrasion-resistant stretch polyamide," and "razor-siped TCI performance rubber." They're even held on by something called "Hypalon®" straps, and are impregnated with an advanced "anti-microbial microfiber," presumably to siphon off all of the sweat and germs that only accumulate because you're wearing shoes in the first fucking place.

Oh, and don't worry, ladies. They come in women's sizes, as well.

The pink piping is your assurance that these are definitely for chicks.

Look, I get it. I really, really do. Half of the U.S. economy is based on some enterprising corporation having found (or created) a niche, and then developed and sold a product to fill it. And I'm certainly not anti-free enterprise. But come ON. I don't know anyone, not even the most ardent fitness buff, who would wear these in public. I don't care if they last until your kids are out of college, and come with a coupon redeemable for a free tug-job from that quasi-goth hottie at the Foot Locker. They're just too goddamned hilarious.

Especially because you'd pretty much HAVE to wear them with these.

And besides, isn't enough of what we typically think of as "American" already the result of some clueless rich Caucasian fuck's attempt to rip off something cool from a different culture, and then water it down enough so that it's palatable to other equally-vapid white people? Isn't Hamburger Helper essentially Cavatappi Marinara con Carne? Aren't French fries just pre-frozen, flash-fried, mass-marketed pomme frítes? And isn't James Brown at least partially responsible for Robin Thicke? I mean, it's not his FAULT, but still.

No matter what, I hope these things don't sell a single pair. Anyone who would spend $85.00 for the privilege of simulating running barefoot because some douche on "The Daily Show" went and rubbed up against some isolated Middle Americans for a few weeks is the same kind of asshole who would buy, well, a Pet Genealogy Kit. If you have that much goddamned money burning a hole in your pocket, then send it to me, for chrissakes. I'm sure I could find something more productive to do with it. Like maybe order take-out, or head to GameStop, and check out the discount bin.

Don't worry, I'll think about you very fondly while I do it. And goodwill like that is something you can't buy in ANY catalog.

P.S.: I'm just gonna leave this here: