"It appears as though you are a simpleton, being as your trousers have succumbed to the forces of gravity."

Fact: Viral memes are the backbone of the internet.

From the charming beginnings of "Mr. T. Ate My Balls" and "All Your Base Are Belong to Us," through the halcyon days of LOLcats and Rickrolls, all the way up through "David After Dentist," "I Like Turtles," and "Chatroulette Piano Improv," the shared pop-culture touchstones of the online generation are as immediate and pervasive as they are inexplicable. Nobody knows why certain things strike a chord with the populace, while others die before they even get started.

However, few recent viral memes have crossed over with such fervor as the delightful "Pants on the Ground" song from "General" Larry Platt (military service unspecified).

"I don't know / but I've been told / Teeth look stupid / wrapped in gold."

For the uninitiated: After inexplicably being allowed through to the final round of auditions for "American Idol" 2010 (despite being well above the show's contestant cut-off age of of 28), Mr. Platt "performed" his now-famous ode to dropp't trou for the "Idol" judges, and guest judge Mary J. Blige. The song itself concerned a common old folks' lament. That being: "These kids today..." Specifically, Mr. Platt's rant-o-rama decried a host of irritating wardrobe tropes common to what is euphemistically referred to as "urban" youth. His chief grievances concerned such examples as sideways hats and metallic dental "grills." The griping culminated in what he viewed as the most egregious of these affronts: Jeans belted about the buttocks.

As a performance, it could only charitably be called "panhandler-grade." However, to be fair, it made up for in enthusiasm what it lacked in skill. Honestly, for a dude approaching retirement age, he could've been a lot worse. And I'd say I hope to be able to dance as well as he does someday, but I don't dance that well NOW.

"Damn straight, son. DAMN straight."

However, while "Pants on the Ground" enjoyed the sort of mainstream recognition that eludes most viral memes (showing up as it did in the form of t-shirts, cover versions, and even NFL locker room chants), General Platt's little song seems to be inspiring something even greater than all that.

Namely: Legislation.

Recently, the story broke that New York State Senator Eric Adams (D-Brooklyn) has spent $2,000 in campaign funds to erect six billboards in and around his district. The billboards feature a photo of a couple of fellas with droopy dungarees, and encourage the youth contingent among his constituency to ignore their example.

You have no idea how much I wish I was making this up.

The billboards serve a dual purpose: Encouraging young people to voluntarily hike their jeans above their coccyx (ahem), as well as letting them know that if they don't, they soon may not have the option. Because the Senator is sponsoring what can only be described as a state dress-code bill. A bill that, if signed into law, would make saggy pants more than just a crime of fashion. It would make them an actionable offense that could be enforced with legal restitution.

Personally, I'm sort of torn on this one. On the one cheek, I've always thought butt-huggers looked pretty fucking ridiculous. On the other, I'm pretty sure it's a serious violation of civil liberties to dictate the wardrobe of the general public via a set of statutes. I mean, sure...It SHOULD be illegal to wear a suit studded with flaming kittens impaled on the ends of railroad spikes, and I think we can all get behind that. But banning something just because it looks stupid? Where does THAT slippery slope terminate? Will the "fashion police" transition from being bitchy red-carpet queens nattering about who's wearing whom on entertainment programs into an actual sanctioned paramilitary force? Will a mullet be punishable by two weeks in jail and a trim, or socks with sandals enforceable with being sent to a re-education camp headed up by Kommandant Isaac Mizrahi and Kommissar Tim Gunn? Maybe this is the first step toward all of us being forced to wear matching unitards, like all of the sci-fi movies seem to predict.

Although admittedly, that'd be just dandy in SOME cases.

No matter what, I just don't think this is what the voters had in mind when they asked lawmakers to help eliminate crack in their neighborhoods.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you didn't see THAT coming.

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P.S.: At the risk of beating a dead horse, it bears repeating: PLEASE vote for the Diary Of Fools for "Best Blog" in the City Pages 2010 readers' poll! It would mean a lot to us if you could toss us some love. And if you're feeling saucy, throwing a vote to Merton Sussex for "Best Local Tweeter" would also be appreciated. Voting ends April 5th, so please spread the word! Thanks in advance.