Things that make my brain hurt

Gather 'round, kiddies! It's time to play my favorite game: "Who's The Bigger Bag of Ass?"

In this corner, wearing the Red White and Blue trunks, and weighing in at 140 pounds soaking wet: Strident Fox "News" blowhard, loofah aficionado, and lying GOP pun'dick Bill O'Reilly, he of the mic-cutting, talking-over-of-guests, and "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"

"My face is pretty much permanently frozen this way."

In this corner, in the linen toga and sandals, weighing in at 125 pounds (75 of which is eternally impacted in his colon): Fred Phelps, self-described "Pastor" of Westboro Baptist Church, the Topeka, Kansas based hate group chiefly known for extrapolating their extreme loathing of gay people into the scapegoat for every ill currently suffered by Western Society.

"Behind my dead eyes and pedo-smile lurks a heart as small, hard and black as most of my turds."

Ooh, tough one. For the most part, I'd have to say that's pretty much a toss-up.

On the one hand, Bill-O is a flat-out, straight-up asshole. His domineering manner informs everything he does, from his sanctimonious sneer to his arrogantly derisive attitude toward anyone whose far-right political philosophy doesn't goose-step in precise synchronicity with his own. Not to mention that he constantly falls back on the infuriating "that's only your opinion" cop-out, even when he's empirically proven dead wrong beyond any shadow of a doubt. Which he frequently is, being as his positions are almost universally on the wrong side of history.

On the other, Phelch is a guy who positively orgasms over the prospect of leading dozens of followers in slogan-chanting, placard-waving marches around the gravesites of recently-deceased gays, spouting hateful epithets constructed of equal parts whole cloth and twisted scripture. All while the actual ceremony itself is going on. To wit: Phelps and his phucked-up phlock actively protested the funeral of Matthew Shepard (the 21-year-old Wyoming man who was abducted by two other men, then tortured, beaten to the point of severe brain damage, and lashed to a fence and left to die over the 18 hours it took anyone to find him...all for the "crime" of being gay). They did so by loudly and cheerfully informing the man's devastated family, as they were trying to bury him, of just how glad they were that he was rotting in hell.

You stay classy, Phreddie.

Unknown: whether the rainbow background of these signs is intentionally
ironic, or whether he's really just that much of a fucking idiot.

Yes, indeed. Pretty even match-up, there.

Or, it was until recently.

See, Phelps and his hatemongers also enjoy protesting the funerals of fallen servicemen. Why? Well, because they're fighting in a foreign war, of course. A war that Yahweh himself got America mixed up in as punishment for our tolerance of homosexuality. DUH. So, to him, every soldier, sailor, marine or guardsman who dies does so as a penance for Western culture's fag-loving ways.

Try not to think about it too hard. It's not like it ever really starts making sense.

Anyway, as was bound to happen, Phelps and his congre-tards finally picked on the wrong family.

Army Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder was killed in Iraq in 2006. Phelps and a cluster of morons showed up at the funeral, waving signs saying "God hates the USA," and hollering anti-gay slurs. And as it turns out, the Lance Corporal's father Albert was mildly perturbed by this. Can't imagine why.

As a result, Albert Snyder sued the holy living shit out of the Westboro Baptist Church, and a federal jury in Baltimore awarded him $11 million in damages in 2007. Reason being, Westboro had been found to have "intentionally inflicted emotional distress on the family." No shit.

Naturally, Phelps paid up immediately. By which I mean he actually had the fucking stones to appeal the decision, and get it overturned by a higher court.

What a lovable li'l scamp.

But that's not all. In one of the clearest-ever cases of adding insult to injury, the 4th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals not only overturned the damage verdict, it actually ordered Mr. Snyder to pay $16,510.80 to Phelps and Westboro for the court costs they incurred appealing the original decision.

Oh, yes they did.

Look...I'm a pretty strict Constitutionalist. As such, I'm a firm believer in federally-protected freedom of expression. But picketing funerals? Funerals of young people taken out by extreme violence, whose families are just trying to grieve, and send them off with a little dignity? I'm fucking sorry. If there's anything lower one human being can do to another, I have yet to hear about it.

So what does any of this have to do with Bill O'Reilly?

"I'm glad you asked."

Well, it seems that Bill-O, despite his over-arching commitment to dickishness, has decided to exhibit a little humanity. According to a story making the rounds on the 'tubes, O'Reilly has cut a check to Westboro Baptist that completely covers every penny of the court-levied fine.

Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bitch. I guess what they say about stopped clocks is true.

Now, it's tempting to dump a shitload of spin onto this story, and frame it in the context of: "Bill O'Reilly Donates $16K+ To Anti-Gay Hate Group," but I think I'll leave that to bought-and-paid-for partisan shills like...well, Bill O'Reilly. Because you know if it had been Keith Olbermann, Fux News would frame it that way without a single batted eyelash.

So, I'm just going to say something I never thought I'd say; something that would actually be physically painful under normal circumstances...

Class maneuver, Mr. O'Reilly. Very class. For today, at least...you get a furlough from my shit list.

However, all bets are still off for tomorrow.