Nut-Punch of the Week, March 15-19, '10

Western society takes a pretty interesting view of our entertainment product. Largely, this is an offshoot of the relative wealth of our society; in a nation where basic needs are more or less met for most, other concerns take on undue, and perhaps even inappropriate importance. In America, we live and die by our football teams, wait for new video game releases with bated breath, and gather in gigantic numbers to watch categorical sub-sets of the industry congratulate themselves at annual awards shows. Which is silly, when you think about it. I mean, entertainment truly is a luxury, a distraction provided to people who don't need to worry about where their next meal is coming from, or whether their children will be killed by a drug gang or federal storm trooper today. All in all, to a refugee in Haiti, who survived years of governmental neglect, crap agriculture and a devastating earthquake only to experience the "privelege" of dying in inches from malnutrition, I'll bet the Grammys seem pretty fucking stupid.

And no, I don't imagine it even matters if Wyclef Jean is up for any, or not.

"That's fuckin' COLD, man."

That said, there are times when entertainment-industry stories take on a certain gravitas, because they run a little deeper than that. Certain events touch on concerns far less superficial than which guy is putting his penis where it shouldn't belong, what shows aren't getting picked up next year, or whom Cameron Diaz is wearing on the red carpet. And that's largely because there are bigger themes at play than simple Hollywood machinations. Themes of courage, fairness, betrayal, and honor.

One such story is the recent late-night wars. I can't remember the last time any non-hard-news story domiated as many news cycles as that whole mess. Sniping, calculated treachery, back-room deals and back-handed slaps were nearly daily headline-makers. And through it all, most of the major players (as well as the minor ones) still had to go on the air and do a show every night. It was equal parts political theatre, Shakesperean drama, and schadenfreude, so of course, it was irresistible. And while much is still unknown about how it all happened, most people whose cardiac tissue and cerebral cortex have more than a cordial, passing relationship agree that one guy was pretty much the villain of the piece...

Jay Leno.

Throughout the whole fiasco, Jay Leno's name kept popping up as the target of ire for frustrated late-night fans. It wasn't hard to see why. And, being as what seems like billions of inches of type have been dedicated to the specific reasons thereof, I'm loath to waste mine or anyone's time re-hashing them (suffice it to say that the general public tends not to have a whole lot of appreciation for whining millionaires who act powerless even as they actively bully people who are supposed to be their friends). Regardless of who was most at fault, Leno is still the public face of NBC late night. And the knowledge that he still took a very large, active role in deposing rightful "Tonight Show" host Conan O'Brien is tough to dismiss. When the dust settled, he came off a bloated, egotistical, overpaid bully who whined and wailed until he got his way, and was thus rewarded for his bad behavior as surely as a kid in a grocery store who pitches a bitch over a candy bar.

"Yes, please. By all means, tell me more about how YOU'RE the real victim."

But of course, there's always two sides to every story. Surely, Conan had it coming on SOME level, right? Well, no. At least, it sure as hell doesn't SEEM like it. Even though nobody is innocent (especially not in show business) for his part, Conan O'Brien handled the whole thing with a hell of a lot more class, grace and dignity as could be reasonably expected of anyone in his position. Especially when the position in question happens to be, "bent over and boned up the bone-dry dirtstar every night on national television." Sure, he poked fun at the whole thing just as much as anyone else, but being as his self-deprecating streak was a mile wide already, this didn't really come as a surprise to anyone. Or at least, it shouldn't have.

Still, I imagine taking the piss out of yourself is a lot easier when every single other late night host rallies to your side in their monologues. Not to mention the spontaneous shows of fan support in the form of organized rallies. In the rain.

"We're with Coco! Also, we have very damp underwear!"

Nevertheless...when the whole dance had gone and played out, Jay Leno was the victor, and returned as host of "The Tonight Show." This, despite the fact that Conan's ratings were no worse than Jay's had been in the same time period years ago (due mostly to Conan's lead-in having been Leno's shitty prime-time show), and that most of the affiliates wanted to keep O'Brien. Hell, even Oprah's famously-tolerant soccer-mom audience was 96% on the side of Conan during a poll taken while Leno was in her studio.

But, as is the case with many things, Leno's victory was the definition of "Pyrrhic." Because while he may have gotten his tired little show back, the massive upswell of goodwill towards Conan O'Brien has only grown exponentially in the months since.

"Greetings, my subjects. How it is?"

To begin with, Conan's contract negotiations dragged on for what seemed like weeks as he finagled his exit. And while NBC tried to paint him as a greedy-grabber who was just trying to squeeze as much money out of the network as possible, the truth soon came to light. Yes, he was shaking them down for more money, but the money in question wasn't for himself. It was for severance packages for his staff, all of whom had packed up their families and moved from New York to L.A. when the show did, and would be left without jobs if the show went "poof." Whoops. Point Conan.

Then, when his final show rolled around, Conan's composure of conduct was stunning. He actually thanked NBC for havng provided him a "home," paid endless amounts of respect to his predecessors on the legendary show (including Leno), and practically begged his devout not to succumb to petty cynicism. Plus, rather than paint himself as a victim (as Leno had done endlessly in the weeks previous), O'Brien expressed his joy at how lucky he'd been to have achieved his dream of hosting "The Tonight Show," however briefly. The over-arching message of his entire abbreviated tenure was summarized when he said, "If you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." Out of anyone else's mouth, it would have sounded like just so much glad-handing bullshittery. But by then, Conan had secured his earnestness credentials, and we knew we could take his sincerity to the proverbial bank (which would then no doubt waste it trading melancholy derivatives, and shame-default swaps).

Meanwhile, the damage to Leno's hard-working "nice-guy" image was palpable. His reputation took more of a P.R. hit than even having a fucking airline hangar brimming with million-dollar cars could have dealt him.

"I'm just a regular guy. Really. I'm not kidding. Shut up."

"So," you may be asking. "This is all old news. Why give Leno a knock to the nuggets NOW? He's had it coming for ages." And, you'd be right. You're always right. Plus, you're attractive, smart, and you smell good. Hold me. No? Well, okay. Can't blame me for trying though, right?

The reason why I'm saying this now? Because, even in "defeat", Conan O'Brien CONTINUES (simply by virtue of being the better person) to passively make Jay Leno look like a gigantic yawning asshole-chasm in comparison. To wit: the most potent salvo of the entire shakeup may have come as late in the game as this week. See, in order to stay busy, as well as to bring his particular brand of quirky entertainment to the masses in SOME form, Conan has decided to go on tour. Yep. He's taking his show on the road.

Ladies and gentlemen...May I present to you: The Face of Win.

In the recently-announced "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour" (a reference to a caveat of NBC's contract negotiations wherein O'Brien can't appear in a competing show on a rival network until at least September), Conan is doing a 30-day set of stops at large theatres all over the country. The announcement was fast. The tickets sold out within minutes. And people don't even know what he's going to be DOING. Stand-up? Interviews? Music? Probably. Who cares? People want to see him. It doesn't matter what he'll be doing, folks want to throw him their support regardless. They want to see him in person, and to serve up a heapin' helpin' of applause to a guy who made "losing" look like not such a death sentence...And to do so better than anyone since Al Gore.

Only...as it turns out, the fans won't be supporting Conan, exactly. At least, not financially. See, the whole reason he's doing this? It's to support his staff. Yep. When he hits the road, he'll be taking along 40 members of the former "Late Show / Tonight Show" staff on the road with him (including sidekick Andy Richter, and reportedly, the Max Weinberg Seven). He's doing it in order to keep them gainfully employed for the summer, hoping he'll have a deal in place to return to television come Fall, when he'll be able to give them their old jobs once again. Even though his NBC exit was held up because he refused to budge until the network ponied up an additional $12 million-plus for his staffers severance, he's STILL doing this tour so that they won't have any unfortunate gaps in their résumés to explain away later. Not that I'm guessing a single one of them would ever need a résumé again. Would YOU ever leave your job where your boss had done all of that going-to-bat on your behalf?

Let me just go ahead and back up the truck bringing in the answer to that.

To me, the tired chestnut of "he who laughs last" has rarely been so richly embodied. Leno got back his doddering, unfunny show, sure. Good for you, man. Way to score. However, even though Conan got the rug yanked out from under him through no fault of his own, he's come up with the far greater prize package. Included: the adoration of the masses, millions of dollars for not working (but being cool enough to go back to work anyway), bringing your show in front of live audiences, seeing the country, helping the people who support you, and STILL likely getting to take Leno to the hole and dunk on his ass by the time the leaves that are just now budding start to turn. Not to mention that he's got a fucking metric SHIT-ton of the one commodity that even the richest people can't buy, the one thing n the world that must truly be earned: Respect.

And how's Leno doing in that regard nowadays? Well, as it turns out, not only total fucking idiots from Alaska have been writing things on their hands lately.

They both look smug. Only one of them deserves to.

I mean, c'mon. There's "he who laughs last," and then there's "he who gets laughed AT." Of course, I guess where Leno is concerned, any laughs at all are welcome.